How to get it into your thick skull that Boris is taking the piss: A guide for Red Wall voters

BORIS Johnson has returned from his second holiday in a month, but Red Wall supporters have yet to grasp that he’s taking the piss. Try absorbing these hard truths: 

He’s never finished anything

40 new hospitals? There’s some progress on two. Boris isn’t arsed about Brexit and never had any intention of deporting all the foreigners. He’s done a lazy wank of a job to suit himself and is now f**king off without regret, like he’s done from every job and marriage he’s ever had.

Everything’s a joke

If you’re claiming this is a positive, try it yourself: ‘My mum’s gone into hospital.’ ‘Didn’t know she was a doctor! Hahaha!’ See how funny everyone thinks it is. He joked through a pandemic about bodies piled high in their thousands, he laughed off multiple scandals and he’s laughing at you now. To him you’re the joke.

Excessive holidays

In the current crisis Boris went on back-to-back holibobs in Slovenia and Greece. During various crises in 2021 he was in Spain. He didn’t interrupt his Highland break to sort out A-levels in 2020. It doesn’t scream ‘commitment’, does it?


If you wanted a window into Boris’ world it was Partygate. Ignore rules, take no responsibility, drink wine and lie about it. Not the best approach to work, and if you’re unable to remember very recent events described in detail by an inquiry, it might be worth a brain scan to check it’s nothing more serious than being a partisan twat.

Dressing up

He was in a hard hat or lab coat every other day. Is that conducive to work or dicking around dressing up? It’s lucky there wasn’t a chance to wear a suit of armour as he’d have borrowed one from the Royal Armouries, and permanently knackered it with his gut.

He’s just marking time now

Going for a ride in a Typhoon fighter? Oh come on. Boris is just doing his bucket list. Expect trips to the Taj Mahal, swimming with dolphins and the Inca Trail. That’s fine, you’ll argue irrelevantly, because he ‘got all the big decisions right’. Yeah? So why are we this f**ked?

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Why we're so much better off without a judicial system, by Dominic Raab

AS justice secretary, it’s my role to protect valued members of society and their second homes. This can only be achieved by scrapping justice entirely. Here’s why: 

It’ll save taxpayers’ money

The moral integrity of our great nation was founded on the ducking stool, mob rule and the gallows, not illegible documents signed in a field granting every warty wench the same rights as me. Justice is a liberal illusion: we all know who’s guilty, whether they did it or not, and should embrace community lynchings.

They wear silly costumes

How can we respect legal representatives when they wear such ridiculous outfits? No barristers’ strike can be taken seriously when they wear idiot wigs and hideous capes, and judges wearing Brian May hairpieces banging tiny toffee hammers are risible. People commit crimes just for a ticket to this circus.

It squanders resources

Pursuing and prosecuting criminals takes valuable funding away from border enforcement. Without interference from the police and judiciary criminals would govern themselves with the strict code of honour seen in Peaky Blinders and The Sopranos.

Scrutiny is unacceptable

The justice system is in deep trouble not from years of underfunding, but from fossilised institutions drawing their power from ancient scrolls abusing it to nit-pick vital ministerial activity such as Article 50 and whether Boris Johnson lied to the public, Parliament and the Queen. We should all grow a pair of unregulated scales of justice, I know I have.

Justice is a loony left delusion

What a ghastly socialist nightmare justice for all is, if you think about it. Street rogues repeatedly offend after being specifically told not to, irrespective of their impending starvation. it’s state-sponsored mollycoddling to put them in prisons with a 99.5 per cent survival rate. What’s wrong with the open sea?

The country will self-regulate

Honest citizens instinctively know how to be an economic assets. They thirst for mob justice. It’s every Brit’s birthright to settle a parking dispute at swordpoint. Vigilantes like the Batman will get tax breaks to fund vital equipment. And our law courts can finally meet their destiny of becoming Wetherspoons.