Lego opened, Lego built, Lego f**king boring

GIFTS of Lego have been opened, built and are now sitting there being as dull as shit. 

Across the UK complicated kits, ranging from Harry Potter to Sonic the Hedgehog to Minecraft, have been carefully constructed according to the manual and now have little to no playable value.

Mother Helen Archer said: “He’s wanted this Spider-Man one all year. And to be fair he did have fun building it. But now what?

“You can’t really play with it without bits falling off, it’s hardly nice to look at, and apparently it can’t even be taken upstairs without risking total collapse. It’s got all the replayability of a sand castle.

“Even he’s disappointed, though he’s not admitting it. He’s just staring at the telly trying to pretend he’s happy with it. And yes, obviously I’m talking about my husband not our nine-year-old son.”

Lego enthusiast Tom Booker said: “The message of The Lego Movie, from which multiple sets replicating key vehicles were released that must be built precisely as directed, is Lego’s most fun when you’re using it creatively!

“What’s better than digging through a bin of Lego, sharp as glass shards, to find the bits you need and being unable to? Actually almost anything. It’s f**king shit, isn’t it.”

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Mum delighted by thoughtlessly expensive gift

A WOMAN is over the moon to have received a very expensive gift that is in no way personal to her.

Helen Archer, from Derby, was thrilled to be given an Italian cashmere scarf and glove set by her daughter’s fiancé, complete with fancy gift wrapping from a department store she admires.

Archer said: “Every Christmas the thoughtfulness of friends and family when it comes to gifting is exhausting.

“Finally I have been given something that is shamelessly trying to impress me, rather than connect with my emotions. He can come again.

“This heartless and generic present beats receiving another photo of a loved one in a hand-painted frame, or a book I mentioned in passing over the summer that someone has carefully remembered to buy me.

“How do I tell my family that I don’t want to feel known. I want to feel sure that a three-figure sum has left their bank account?”

Archer’s son Oliver said: “I could tell Mum adored the photo of her first grandchild in a lovingly decoupaged frame that we gave her. You can’t put a price on thoughtfulness. Although it is definitely a lot cheaper than cashmere.”