Lingerie still not as good as nudity

MANUFACTURERS of high-end lingerie are hoping customers do not notice that nudity is not only better but cheaper. 

Victoria’s Secret, Agent Provocateur and Marks and Spencer are continuing to sell their product as erotically necessary even though their intended audience much prefers it removed and on the floor.

Woman and lingerie wearer Sophie Rodriguez said: “It’s sort of like Polo mints conning us into paying for the hole.

“Obviously mainly I wear cotton knickers so large they cover my navel, but I do have a selection of wispy, lacy, barely-there underwear that cost loads, really ride up my arse crack and are quickly discarded.

“They cost loads, are worn for ten minutes and are deeply insubstantial. And go crotchless, assless or cupless and it’s even sexier apparently, which really gives the game away.”

Lingerie designer Helen Archer said: “The enduring appeal of lingerie relates to our perception and the balance between seeing and concealing, heightening suspense and rendering the whole experience more erotic.

“But basically you can’t improve on tits.”

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'Is that where the hot water comes in?': six questions you'll feel a knobhead for asking tradesmen

YOU know nothing about how anything works but want to show willing, so you embarass yourself by asking these pathetically ill-informed questions:

‘Is that where hot water comes in?’ 

The box on the wall is the boiler, but it can’t heat water because that’s what a kettle does. So they must ship the hot water for your radiators in somehow, and the red pipe seems the logical choice. The plumber indulges you, warning you not to touch it. You officiously warn your children about it. He adds £110 to your bill.

‘How do you know there’s electricity in the wires if you can’t see it?’ 

The sheer idiocy of the question will be apparent from the electrician’s bewilderment. To prevent him taking the piss or thinking you’re unnervingly strange, follow up quickly with something equally stupid like ‘Or is it negative current?’ From his eyes you know he will tell this story in the pub.

‘Tea? Coffee? Something stronger?’ 

It was fine when you offered the brew, but your little joke falls flat. He’s come in a van. Is this entrapment? Are you trying to seduce him? Is it true what Rees-Mogg said about homeworkers getting pissed all day? He nips off to a trade supplier for parts and warns them about you.

‘Do you have a favourite pipe?’

As soon as the words leave your mouth, awkwardness floods the room. The sheer absurdity of it throws the plumber off for minutes. He might even wonder if he does have a favourite pipe. Then he’ll reason no, that’s nonsense, this must be a sex thing and call for the security of a mate at an extra £85 per hour.

‘Why is gas invisible when it leaks but blue when you cook with it?’

Surely you must be joking, the heating enginer smiles, then realises too late you’re serious. An educated person in a big flat with books and movie posters knows not one f**king thing about the real world. From now on he speaks slowly, carefully and if possible points at pictures.

‘Do you want cash?’ 

What a stupid question. Of course he wants cash.