Triumph for Scotland as Leviticus fan comes in very close second

SCOTS are celebrating a triumph for liberal values as a big fan of Leviticus chapter 18 only came second in the leadership race.  

Humza Yousaf became first minister after a close-run contest with Kate Forbes, a member of the Free Church of Scotland who prefers Biblical truth to certain modern innovations.

Voter Bill McKay said: “This goes to show what a progressive, forward-thinking country we are that she only won 48 per cent of the vote.

“That’s of SNP members, of course, who are very much the left-leaning section of the electorate. Put her to the whole of Scotland and she’d likely do much better.

“Yes, she’s very keen on that chapter of Leviticus titled ‘Punishments for Sin’, which outlines all the people who are to be put to death and their blood be on their own heads. And especially verse 18:22, about lying with a man as you would a woman. Loves it.

“But she’s promised not to allow beliefs fundamental to her character to influence her politically, which is great as she’ll have a key role in government.”

He added: “We were mental for witch trials up here back when we were our own kingdom. Good times. I bet Kate’s got a list ready.”

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Man purchases billboard to announce he has completed a chore

A MAN who has completed a domestic chore has purchased a 96-sheet advertising billboard in central Birmingham to tell the world. 

Stephen Malley, aged 36, took the recycling out last night and booked the space for six weeks after feeling his labours had not been adequately recognised.

He said: “I did good. I have contributed to the running of my household, and everyone needs to know.

“My wife said ‘well done’, but that’s hardly enough is it? For such a noble, selfless and heroic act? A little pat on the head for the labours of Hercules?

“So I got the elevated billboard by the M6 so tens of thousands of drivers will see me and know that I’m the guy who didn’t just lie on his arse but got up and did his duty. Not just one bin. Two bins, emptied and then wheeled all the way to the bottom of the drive.

“If I’d got the fawning adulation I deserve at home, maybe I’d have really got into this domestic chore stuff and emptied the dishwasher or something. But no. No gold star. No beer. Is it any wonder I had to reward myself with six hours of uninterruped telly?”

Wife Helen said: “He did do the bins. Then he climbed on top of them, sang We Are The Champions and gave an acceptance speech while I washed up and hoovered.”