IS your friend, colleague or spouse looking suspiciously as if they have briefly experienced bliss? Any of these signs could mean they have had a wank:
Flushed face
A red face could mean any number of things. Anger, embarrassment, illness, spicy food, long-term alcohol abuse. But more often than not though it’s a sign of physical exertion, specifically a brisk hand shandy knocked out two minutes ago. For further proof, study their wrists for trembling from recent use.
Weird smell
Acts of self-love produce malodorous scent that do not instantly disperse. For men, a stale ammonia stench bringing to mind a rundown swimming pool. Women give themselves away by being rendolent of a harbourside on a summer’s day, or an electrical fault. Both try to cover their tracks with antiperspirant but they’re fooling nobody.
Covert fly check
There are many stages of a post-wank cleanup operation. Internet histories must be deleted. Tissues have to be disposed of. Shame must be dwelled on then repressed. Often the final, crucial step of zipping the flies is overlooked, prompting a clumsy fumble which others pretend not to see.
Happy expression
The majority of people are miserable all the time, and for good reason. The unusually chipper demeanour, cheerful whistling and spring in their step of the recent masturbator is obvious. Even lottery winners seem glum in comparison. They’ll revert to their characteristic bitterness in ten minutes.
Suspicious stain
Most stains are self explanatory. Sweat patches in the armpits, food stains on the chest, etcetera. What made those white stains around their crotch though? Yoghurt? Unlikely. An ultraviolet torch, easily available from Screwfix, will reveal the truth.
