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Local death yields excellent haul at charity shop

THE death of a local resident has provided a charity shop with an excellent selection of secondhand books, clothes and records, it has emerged.

After Bill McKay, aged 68, expired, his worldly goods showed up in the shop near where he lived in Chichester and were immediately fallen upon by enthusiastic bargain hunters.

James Bates, aged 52, said: “As soon as I walked in I knew someone had recently pegged it and I had struck a goldmine.

“It wasn’t someone uselessly young who hadn’t had time to build up a complete collection of Stephen King novels. But they weren’t so old and unfashionable that I’d have been ashamed to rock the high-quality shirts and chinos that had appeared on the men’s rack.

“Someone with a bit of disposable income who could afford to buy all the Steely Dan albums remastered on vinyl had snuffed it. There’s nothing more tragic than when a casual music fan dies, leaving nothing behind except a few crappy Now compilations on CD.

“Best of all this guy had apparently keeled over shortly after purchasing a lovely pair of brown leather brogues. They’re four sizes too big, but you can’t complain when something’s practically brand new.”

Charity shop volunteer Mary Fisher said: “Don’t get too excited, sunshine. It’ll be your turn soon enough.”

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'It was closed' and other incredibly helpful online reviews morons leave

CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these:

‘It was closed’

You know an establishment must be worth visiting if someone was so incensed that, after arriving at 9pm on Easter Sunday, they felt the need to leave a one-star review to say how disappointed they were that it was shut. Next time maybe this Sainsbury’s in West Ham will remember to clearly display their opening hours on their website. Oh, they already do? Those bastards think of everything, don’t they?

‘Ordered wrong size’

Some people like to share the tedious minutiae of their lives on Twitter or TikTok, but the truly baffling ones decide to divulge their irrelevant life experiences in review sections. Who gives a shit that you made a mistake which has no bearing on the quality of the item? Tell us what you had for dinner while you’re at it, and maybe this three-star review will be nominated for a Pulitzer prize.

‘Do NOT use this place’

Negative reviews can be very useful, particularly when they alert you to extortionate pricing or toilets that could have featured in Trainspotting. What is less helpful is when someone cannot articulate their problem any further than ‘I didn’t like it’. That’s not going to help anyone, least of all the establishment you felt needed improvement, and you just come out of it sounding like a whiny bastard.

‘Not sure what I think yet’

This person felt obliged to provide a review as soon as the item arrived through the letterbox, and not a moment afterwards. That’s the only explanation for why someone with any brain cells would post their opinion having not used or perhaps even opened the thing they ordered. They will never update their review, but forever look like a dick for writing this useless nonsense in the first place.

‘Ok’

Calm down, there’s no need to get emotional. The plastic cat bowl you ordered from Amazon has clearly had a profound impact on you, because you have been rendered almost speechless by its adequacy. The four stars next to this powerful treatise offer a real insight into your terminally beige mental landscape, while also not revealing a single thing that might be helpful to anyone who might benefit from your experience. Thanks for f**king nothing.

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