New fake nails render girlfriend unable to perform simplest task

A WOMAN has nails so long that she is completely reliant on her boyfriend to perform everyday tasks for her.

After splashing out on getting the largest gel nail extensions possible, prior to a friend’s wedding, Kelly Howard has rendered her hands entirely useless.

Howard said: “I thought I’d treat myself as it’s a special occasion. And they look undeniably great, but I’m finding it hard to do basic things like getting dressed and eating.

“I’ve ripped through several pairs of tights, impaled an apple with my thumb, and given a stranger on the bus a nasty scratch while trying to ring the bell. But beauty is suffering. At least for the people around me.”

Howard’s boyfriend Josh Hudson said: “It’s like living with a helpless newborn, but one that keeps demanding I put on another episode of Married at First Sight because it can’t use the remote.

“Watching her paw at her phone screen like some incompetent bear is tragic. And I’ve even had to tie her shoelaces. Whoever sold women the lie that very long, very expensive nails are attractive is some kind of evil genius.”

Howard added: “I’m going to keep them. Watching Josh gag as he pulls the hair out of the plughole for once is worth the money and inconvenience.”

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Woman watching The Crown hoping nothing bad happens to her favourite character

A WOMAN who has become very attached to Elizabeth Debicki’s character in The Crown hopes nothing bad happens to her this season.

Eleanor Shaw loves troubled, tempestuous Diana in the hit Netflix series, and has her fingers crossed the Princess of Wales does not meet a grisly end like Lord Mountbatten on that boat.

Shaw said: “Diana went through hell in season five with the phone tapping plot and the divorce. She deserves a happy ending.

“Everything started out so well when she was played by Emma Corrin, too. She met Charles, fell in love, had a big wedding, then it all went downhill. It’s like the writers have got it in for her.

“I’m not saying she’s perfect. All those affairs were definitely a low point. But maybe she wouldn’t have been driven to them if Charles was more supportive of her eating disorder.

“Hopefully this season she’ll find a new romantic interest or win the lottery or something. Anything to put a smile on her beautiful but permanently glum face.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I asked Ellie if she remembers 1997 but she covered her ears and begged me not to tell her spoilers.”