Man horrified to learn from bathroom cubicle wall that his mother 'gobbles knobs'

A MAN has been appalled to learn from some graffiti in a pub bathroom that his mum gobbles knobs, it has emerged.

While sitting on the toilet at his local, 28-year-old Stephen Malley was gobsmacked to discover via a childish scribble next to the toilet roll dispenser that his ageing mother has oral sex skills of some renown.

Malley said: “Imagine my shock when, midway through my post-third-pint-of-Guinness evacuation, I see a message penned in Sharpie that reads ‘your mum gobbles knobs’.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. Is it just straightforward slander, or does my mother have a reputation around the dodgiest pubs in town that I have been completely unaware of until now?

“Naturally I called her the second I got out of the loo, but she told me to stop being such a bloody idiot and passed me over to my dad. He wasn’t shocked, said he’d always had his suspicions and then laughed his head off.

“I was pretty distraught over the whole thing, really, as you’d expect. But particularly so as I’d found out at the same time that 9/11 was an inside job and someone called Roy Hobbs takes it up the bum.”

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Buying expensive paintings of tits: six smug middle-class ways to smash the patriarchy

JUST because you have money and no real desire for radical change it doesn’t mean you can’t be part of the sisterhood. Take on gender inequality in these ultimately meaningless ways:

Buy your toddler son a pink jumper

So much misogyny in men comes from masculine insecurity and societal pressures, learned at an early age. With one quick purchase from Boden, however, you’ve taught your boy a valuable lesson: why take the time to listen and adapt your behaviour, when you can buy a cheap symbol for easy praise instead?

Liking Fleabag

No, it’s not at all patronising that you keep stressing how great it is to have TV shows that prove women can actually be funny, if they try hard enough. Continuing to only talk about one very posh woman in one show that ended years ago is the perfect way to demonstrate how passionate you are about supporting women in the industry. Don’t forget to add how much you adore Andrew Scott as well.

Wearing a trouser suit

Gender conventions seem more rigid than ever, often perpetuated by those expensive magazines you pretend not to buy, like Vogue and Cosmopolitan. However, you’ve smashed these restrictive rules with a woman’s suit from Cos. With no pockets, a super-tight waist and trouserss that only look good in heels, you can finally shake off the chains of enforced femininity.

Expensive paintings of tits

Even in the most developed countries, women are still battling for bodily autonomy. You have made a stand by purchasing a painting with tits on it. It’s hardly Rubens – well, of course not, he was a man – but it still cost a pretty penny and involved you going to a fancy art fair. Do any proceeds go to charity? No. But it raises awareness. Of tits.

Looking natural

There’s so much pressure to use makeup, exercise and even fillers to look acceptable. But you’ve set an excellent example to other women by looking like you’ve not done any of those things, even though you have. Go on, use that extortionate retinol serum and tell them you’re just really good at keeping hydrated.

Telling everyone that you earn a lot of money

The gender pay gap is a terrible, ongoing form of everyday sexism. That’s why it’s important people know that you, a woman, are helping, by making a shedload of cash. Much more cash, in fact, than the men and women alike you thoughtlessly exploit to draw in that huge wage. What a girlboss.