'Eight Labour frontbenchers?! Okay, withdraw the troops,' says Israel

ISRAEL has confirmed it is declaring a ceasefire in Gaza after learning no less than eight Labour frontbenchers voted for one.

All troops are being withdrawn from Gaza after an SNP amendment to the King’s speech lost by 168 votes in the Commons, with 56 Labour MPs and eight members of the shadow Cabinet rebelling to back it.

Israel’s prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said: “Jess Phillips resigned? Then it’s all over.

“How can we continue our military operations in the face of this level of disapproval from Her Majesty’s Opposition? When Naz Shah and Paula Barker were brave enough to lay down their positions as shadow ministers for crime reduction and devolution respectively?

“As all British left-wingers know, we’ve been waiting for the definitive word on whether this war can continue from Keir Starmer. And because he’s equivocated, we’ve carried on.

“But it’s no longer in Keir’s hands. His selfless, heroic frontbenchers, at considerable cost to themselves, have wrested that power from him. Thanks to you, Rachel Hopkins, all conflict is over.”

He added: “If only Jeremy Corbyn had been leader. None of this would have ever happened.”

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F**king vegans have ruined our dinner, say vegetarians

THE popularity of veganism means that meat-free meals in restaurants are also cheese, milk and egg-free as well, vegetarians have complained.

Rather than making dishes both with and without dairy products, chefs have simply chosen to make all non-carnivorous meals vegan and save themselves the tedious hassle.

Vegetarian Martin Bishop said: “I don’t eat what is always the most interesting and tasty part of any meal for environmental reasons, so the least I can expect is something chock full of cheese and cream.

“But since vegans have come along and made such a fuss, restaurants, cafes and pubs have decided to pander just to them and the only meals available are plant-based, fun-free bullshit.

“And it’s even worse when they try to replace the dairy with fake vegan versions. Eating a veggie burger is bad enough, but when it only comes with cashew nut ‘cheese’ and mayonnaise made out of the minging water from a tin of chick peas, it’s just adding insult to injury. Those f**king ethical bastards.”

Pub chef Helen Archer said: “Whether vegan or vegetarian, they all get on my tits, and they all deserve to suffer.”