Tourists think going clubbing in central London will be fun

A GROUP of Americans visiting London for the first time believe nightclubs in central London will be hip and fun.

The tourists are preparing for a night out in a venue called Frenzee, which is located in a side street near Leicester Square and never frequented by anyone who lives within a 100 mile radius of it.

Sophie Rodriguez, from Iowa, said: “We’ve never been to London before, but we’re sure that all the coolest nightlife will be smack bang in the most well-known area of the city.

“We’re expecting a stylish venue full of people who look like models dancing to brand new sounds. We know grime comes from London, so we’re sure to see MCs spitting bars someplace around the M&M store in Piccadilly Circus.

“What we don’t want is a tacky club with terrible decor, expensive drinks and a clientele made up of other tourists and drunk bachelorette parties from northern England. But they wouldn’t come to the urban centre of the city, they’ll go somewhere out of the way like Dalston.

“What else are we going to do while we’re here? Probably visit Madame Tussauds. That’s a cutting edge and hugely impressive tourist attraction, right?”

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Sex positive man actually just very horny

A MAN who claims to have a liberating attitude towards sex is actually just desperate to get his end away, it has emerged.

Frustrated man Joseph Turner makes a big deal about how sex in all its forms should be embraced in the vain hope that a woman will find his progressive outlook attractive and touch his penis.

Turner said: “Blowies, tit wanks, facials, they’re all good. Hopefully I’m making all the ladies wet just talking about them.

“I’m not like other men with their selfish and backward views of sex. I think everyone should be free to do whatever turns them on with whoever’s up for it. And if that includes me and half a dozen busty bikini models, then so be it.

“I’ve also been doing loads of research on PornHub and it turns out people are into all sorts. Stepsisters, MILFs and Lisa Ann are just a fraction of my findings which prove sexuality is a broad spectrum.

“Anyway, that’s enough right-on small talk, fancy a shag? Not even a handjob? Please, it’s been years.”

Woman Nikki Hollis said: “I’m really into not shagging pathetic, morally bankrupt losers. It’s nice of Joseph to respect that.”