Bad news! We're keeping the £140 million, says Rwanda

RWANDA has sympathised with the UK about its unlawful deportation plan and confirmed it will be keeping the money.

The African country, which supporters of the plan are unable to locate on a map, said it could not be sorrier about the Supreme Court’s ruling and £140m from British taxpayers is small recompense for the hurt it feels.

Minister of state James Kabarebe said: “So sad for you guys. Still, every cloud.

“Looks like we won’t be having to house and treat with excessive fairness all those arrivals on small boats after all. But we had planned to, and planning costs money, and well.

“Hardly much in the grand scheme of things, is it? About six miles of unbuilt HS2? So don’t be knocking on our door asking for a refund because it’ll just make you look petty and mean and that certainly isn’t the way anyone thinks of Britain.

“Really hurts we won’t be taking any of your unwanted migrants. We had a room all ready for that one who came here, Braverman. She’s not a migrant? She was a government minister? Okay, well that’s a f**k-up averted.

“Sorry it didn’t happen, thanks for the cash, next time you fancy handing a fat wedge to a one-party state give us a call. Like your migrants, we’re not going anywhere.”

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Your brother's mate Kev named Sexiest Man Alive 2023

KEVIN, a friend of your brother, has been named the sexiest man on earth in 2023, beating Chris Hemsworth, Timothée Chalamet and Idris Elba.

Halfords employee Kevin Browne, described as ‘a bit of a charmer’ in his hometown of Wakefield, won the coveted accolade despite never having featured in a Hollywood blockbuster or played on an international sports team.

Browne was unaware he was an object of of desire for millions of women around the world until a friend told him about his victory, having previously only been known to women as their older brother’s fit mate.

Browne said: “What? That’s cool, I suppose. I didn’t know I’d entered. Did my nan put me up for it? 

“Thanks everyone. My wife isn’t thrilled but I appreciate it. It’s good to know the judging process for Sexiest Man is so rigorous and unbiased they consider literally every male on the planet.”

This is not Browne’s first brush with fame, having been in the audience of an episode of Question Time in 2015, during which he was seen for several seconds sitting in the middle.

However friend Nathan Muir said: “This is bullshit. I got off with loads more girls in secondary school than Kev did. 

“He didn’t even need this prize because he’s married, but winning would have helped me get more matches on Tinder. It’s all rigged if you ask me.”