Dear Suella, you were shite, love Rishi

FOLLOWING Suella Braverman’s blistering resignation letter to Rishi Sunak, the prime minister has written back. His letter is below.

Dear Suella,

I sacked you. Over the phone. You don’t get to write a letter a day later saying how terrible I am. Of course you think that, you’ve just been given the boot.

And you’re only popular on paper, specifically the Mail, Telegraph and Express. Your little gang of MPs are known arseholes and the public’s glad you’re gone.

Broke our deal? You f**king bet I did. It’s called politics. What would be the point of my becoming prime minister if it wasn’t to thoroughly shaft a woman? And they say I learned nothing from Boris.

You expected me to sign up to every aspect of the idiotic Johnson premiership? You believed me when I said ‘For you, Suella, I’ll break international law?’ How much of a dickhead are you? Don’t bother to answer. You already have.

And then you kept adding further demands. ‘Oh, and can you outlaw protestors I don’t like?’ ‘Actually we’ll need to send even more to Rwanda because I haven’t quite stopped the boats yet.’ Talk about a f**king diva.

Regretfully, and I don’t mean that, you were shite at your job and I’m glad that you’ve gone. Not to see your miserable three-dick gob frowning around Downing Street will be a real pleasure.

Goodbye, good luck on the backbenches, nobody cares about you now. Today’s front pages are your last. I’ll see you on GB News. Well I won’t, nobody will, but whatever.

Love, Rishi Sunak

Still the prime minister

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Foreign cane toads are replacing our indigenous celebrity culture. By Nigel Farage

I’VE noticed a disturbing trend here in the I’m A Celebrity camp. Cane toads are coming here in their millions, replacing traditional British culture with their alien amphibian ways.

It is no exaggeration to call it an invasion. How can it be right that toads with no experience of being on TV should get a free ride thanks to hardworking A-list celebrities like myself, Marvin Humes and Big Brother 11’s hugely respected Josie Gibson?

Britain’s beloved celebrity culture, once the envy of the world, is being destroyed by toads. Soon there will be no Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing or Celebrity Love Island, just endless programmes about ponds.

What attracts the toads to our camp? Flies and insects mainly, but who’s to say they haven’t heard of Britain’s generous benefits system? Who wants to eat dragonflies when you can get free pizza and spending money delivered to your four-star toad hotel?

It is our women I fear for most. I’ve warned my lovely young campmate Danielle Harold about sexual advances from gangs of young male toads, but she just looks at me strangely. Sadly, like so many young people today, she has been brainwashed by woke.

Of course, liberals will deny there’s a problem, and I expect numerous run-ins with the Guardian’s Grace Dent, who will probably be insisting we all eat worms and beetles in the name of ‘multiculturalism’.

Mark my words, once cane toads have got their webbed feet under the table they’ll start demanding wetlands on every street corner. You’ll go into your traditional English chippie and traditional cod and mushy peas will be off the menu, replaced by deep-fried dead flies.

Let’s face facts. Toads are slimy, give you warts, and are responsible for a disproportionate amount of crime. The woke establishment hates me for telling the truth, but if that makes me a ‘toadist’, I’m proud to be one.