PRESIDENT Erdoğan of Turkey is such a masculine boss man that he made Putin wait 50 seconds before shaking his hand. What other tiny-penised power moves could he have used?
Making someone wait to shake your hand
If you’re meeting someone who thinks they’re harder than you, it’s vital to get your power play in first. Pretend to enter a room with them and then hang back at the door while they stand in the middle of the carpet looking like a lemon. After a minute walk up to them and shake hands. Boom. You’re the big man.
Open a bottle with your teeth
Want to look more macho than all the other guys at the party? Make a big show of opening a bottle with your teeth. They’ll be genuinely intimidated, but only because you’re a psycho who’s pulled out a tooth and is dripping blood all over your host’s new carpet while crying from the agonising pain.
Pick up the tab
Want to make sure you’re the alpha male when out at a restaurant or a bar? Insist on paying the bill for everyone present. You’ll look suave, rich and dominant. Although you may have to have a cry in the toilets afterwards when you realise you’ve paid £327 for people you hate from work to eat hideously overpriced nachos.
Refuse to commit to a relationship
According to dickhead pick-up artist forums on Reddit, a man loses the upper hand in a relationship the moment he agrees to commit. Retain your power forever by never agreeing to go exclusive with a woman. You have triumphed over all women, until you’re a bitter, lonely 75-year-old with no one in your life who loves you.
Have your picture taken bare-chested on a horse
The problem with trying to out-power move Putin is that he is the king of teeny-cocked power moves. If you want to emulate him, take your shirt off and ride around on a horse. You’ll feel amazing, while looking like the most insecure bellend who ever lived.