BIG crying babies across the country have demanded they be given their comforting cuddly Boris back or they will scream.
Offers of a Cabbage Patch Truss or an expensive talking Ready4Rishi! doll have been spurned by the tantruming infants, who say only a real Boris will do.
Denys Finch Hatton, aged 67, of Amersham said: “Liz and Rishi are rubbish. Boris is brilliant. He gave a swashbuckling speech in the Commons and I want! Him! Back!
“If he isn’t on my ballot then I’m not voting. I don’t want a continuity Boris. I want the proper Boris with charisma and an 80-seat majority and the Nadine Dorries accessory.”
His mother Dora Hatton said: “But darling, you ruined your Boris with Partygate. And I know you said that was ‘just a cake in a room’ but it wasn’t was it? It kept happening and he got so covered in shit he wasn’t any use anymore.
“So we’ve had to throw Boris away, but these other ones are just as good. They’ve got all the same policies and everything. Don’t cry. Come on, don’t cry. Will you just stop bloody crying?”
Boris Johnson, aged 58, said: “They’re right. I’m the best one and I should be on the Downing Street bed. If I’m not on the ballot I’m holding my breath until I pass out.”