I want my Boris back, say babies

BIG crying babies across the country have demanded they be given their comforting cuddly Boris back or they will scream.

Offers of a Cabbage Patch Truss or an expensive talking Ready4Rishi! doll have been spurned by the tantruming infants, who say only a real Boris will do.

Denys Finch Hatton, aged 67, of Amersham said: “Liz and Rishi are rubbish. Boris is brilliant. He gave a swashbuckling speech in the Commons and I want! Him! Back!

“If he isn’t on my ballot then I’m not voting. I don’t want a continuity Boris. I want the proper Boris with charisma and an 80-seat majority and the Nadine Dorries accessory.”

His mother Dora Hatton said: “But darling, you ruined your Boris with Partygate. And I know you said that was ‘just a cake in a room’ but it wasn’t was it? It kept happening and he got so covered in shit he wasn’t any use anymore.

“So we’ve had to throw Boris away, but these other ones are just as good. They’ve got all the same policies and everything. Don’t cry. Come on, don’t cry. Will you just stop bloody crying?”

Boris Johnson, aged 58, said: “They’re right. I’m the best one and I should be on the Downing Street bed. If I’m not on the ballot I’m holding my breath until I pass out.”

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This is racism against milfs. By Tory grassroots member Roy Hobbs

THE ousting of Penny Mordaunt brings shame on the Tory party. Although I’m not normally one to whinge about discrimination, let’s call this what it is: racism against milfs.

We’ve got an Asian man in the contest and, until recently, an extremely right-wing black woman. That’s more than enough diversity for me. But what about 49-year-old ladies with a pretty face and a smashing pair of tits? Who’s standing up for their rights?

Milfs play a vital role in society. Before the internet, masturbating over a moderately attractive teacher or friend’s mum was young men’s first introduction to happy, healthy heterosexuality. Without milfs, we’d have been forced to wank over Jemima from Play School. Somehow that feels wrong.

And like all minorities, Penny has faced her own challenges reaching the top. Resentment of her stunning good looks for a start. People call her an intellectual lightweight. But anyone who can attempt a back-flip in the high-pressure environment of ITV’s Splash! is prime minister material in my book. 

Who knows what skulduggery went on behind the scenes? Realising he had no chance against a gorgeous, patriotic, ex-Royal Navy reservist like Penny, I believe Sunak lent votes to Truss, who was consumed with jealousy for her young, beautiful rival.

And let’s face it, we in the Conservatives have not been blessed with a succession of lookers. Andrea Leadsom? Looks like she wouldn’t touch your beef bayonet without washing-up gloves on. Therese Coffey? Let’s not even go there.

When Martin Luther King said ‘I have a dream’, he surely also meant equal rights for milfs like Penny. I’m extrapolating slightly, but he’d have supported older ladies with cracking norks making it to the final round of the Tory leadership contest, and would probably have had a quick tug himself.