Man keeps hitting snooze button like an idiot

A MAN never just gets up and instead hits snooze on his clock radio until the last possible moment before he has to go to work.

Despite setting the alarm for 7.30am, Tom Logan spends an hour in a fitful sleep interrupted every nine minutes until he absolutely has to get up in a massive panic.

Logan said: “Yes, I do leave getting up until the last minute, but I can be dressed and out of the door in seven minutes if I don’t have a shower and brush my teeth while having a shit.

“I always mean to get up but my bed is too nice. It’s just so snuggly and full of interesting dreams, whereas work is full of nasty angry people. It’s no contest really.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “It’s fucking pitiful to watch. By 8.15 I’m having a relaxed coffee and feeling together, but Tom’s having these weird nine-minute sleep sessions to avoid facing reality.

“The stupidest thing is he could just set the alarm later and have an extra hour’s proper sleep, instead of this exhausting, half-awake, half-dreaming state.

“This morning he muttered ‘Watch out for the cybermen’s cheese house, Keira!’. I didn’t go into it.”

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Grans demand to know what it says on your t-shirt

BRITAIN’S grandmothers are squinting and demanding to know what the words on your t-shirt mean.

Millions of grandchildren are facing painful questioning as grans struggle to grasp the concept of clothing with throwaway slogans.

Student Nikki Hollis said: “I went round to gran’s wearing a t-shirt with the essentially meaningless phrase ‘Superstar Diva BITCH’ . That was a mistake.

“Unfortunately Nan insisted on reading it. Have you ever tried to explain an ironic slogan with a kitsch sensibility to a 91-year-old woman who thinks ‘bloody’ is an unspeakable obscenity?

“I managed to convince her it wasn’t literal, but she still looked worried. Thank god I wasn’t wearing my ‘Appetite for Destruction’ t-shirt or she’d have thought I’d turned into a terrorist.”

T-shirt scrutiny is the latest tiresome gran demand, which include being told to take your coat off or ‘not feel the benefit’ later, and being made to stay for unpleasant food such as egg sandwiches.

Putting down her puzzle book, grandmother Joanna Kramer said: “What does that say there on your t-shirt? I can’t read it. Hang on, let me get my glasses.

“‘FBI: Female Body Inspector’. What does that mean, then?”