subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man tells usual Friday lie about not spending entire weekend playing videogames

A 28-YEAR-OLD has once again pretended he has genuine plans for the weekend.

Nathan Muir, who lives on his own in a city-centre apartment, tiredly told questioning colleagues he might go to a bar or gig when he actually intends to collect all the skulls in Halo 5.

He said: “The deceit is killing me. Why must I feign having a life?

“Just once I’d like to say ‘I’m going home, I’m firing up the console before I get my coat off, and it’ll probably be 9pm before I even order pizza. Because I can, and if you could so would you.’

“But instead I pretend that I’m not doing the exact thing I want to do all weekend long and invent the kind of tedious social obligations that I’ll be blissfully ignoring for Titanfall 2. 

“It’s not my fault they’ve all got kids and want to live vicariously though me. I shouldn’t have to make up some fantasy life where I go to a ‘restaurant’ with ‘friends’.

“Though it is useful when I’ve been on GTA Online until 4am, and I just act hungover.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Stressed workaholic finds plenty of time to tell you about it

A MAN who is constantly ‘up to his eyes’ in work always has an hour free to complain about just hard he is working, it has emerged.

Tom Logan, 33, whose job is much more important than yours, regularly works 15-hour days, most of which is taken up telling anyone who will listen just how much more work he is doing than everyone else.

Colleague Emma Bradford said: “Tom always makes me feel like I’m not working hard enough. Then I look at my watch and realise that he’s been wanking on about his workload for most of the morning.

“For a workaholic Tom also seems to have a surprising amount of holidays and massage treatments.”

Logan said: “I’d love to chat but I’ve got another 12 to 15 hours to put in tomorrow. It’s absolutely manic at the moment.

“Talk to Emma Bradford, she knocks off at six like a useless part-timer who doesn’t even care about our employer JPC Vacuum-Formed Plastics Ltd.

“The manufacture and distribution of vacuum-formed plastics is just a job to her.”

Next story ›