I have always been an eco-warrior, by Theresa May

I HAVE always been a passionate supporter of the environment. Trees, ditches, wasps – these are all truly wonderful nature things.

Even as a child, nursing an injured worm back to health, I had a special connection to the Green and would often say things like, “Gosh mummy, aren’t Britain’s hedgerows with their diverse native species worthy of preserving for the benefit of future generations?”

When I ran through that field of wheat, I knew I was breaking man’s laws but I felt that I was the wheat, and the wheat was me. And that has never changed.

My ‘war on plastic’ was inspired by my childhood. I befriended a squirrel called Squirrelly, who sadly one day I found suffocated on a discarded plastic bag in the prime of his little rodent life, and this absolutely true story is what made me the committed eco-warrior I am today.

That’s why I have proposed concrete policies like having a good think about all this awful plastic by 2042, and making grotty corner shops charge 5p for their bags. I think that comprehensively covers everything we need to do to save the planet.

Cynics have claimed I’m just trying to appeal to younger voters who have somehow got the idea that Tories are lying scumbags. That’s simply not true. I’m doing this because every time I hear about a weasel who’s constipated from eating plastic beads I break down and sob uncontrollably.

So that is how I will save the environment. And before anyone asks why I don’t ban fracking, that’s because fracking happens underneath the environment.

Get your facts right, hippies.

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Eating McDonald’s on train more antisocial than urinating in the aisle

CONSUMING fast food on a train is more offensive than open public urination, passengers have agreed. 

A survey found that someone emptying their bladder in the middle of a crowded carriage would be both shocking and inconvenient, but could not possibly be as unpleasant as someone devouring a nasty mix of processed meat and cheese.

Commuter Francesca Johnson said: “It’s not the overnight sleeper to Inverness. They’re not going to starve. They’re forcing a hundred people to share their disgusting ‘meal’ because they’re selfish, inconsiderate twats.

“A public urinator who can no longer wait for the only lavatory on the train to become available would deserve some measure of sympathy.

“A man stuffing a bacon double cheeseburger into his so-called face on the 17.23 to Finsbury Park deserves to be thrown off the train and then chased by some big, angry dogs into a scary forest.”

Cheeseburger eating commuter Nathan Muir said: “In my defence, I am also drunk.”