Woman saves time on baking by just begging people to like her

A WOMAN has saved hours a week she used to spend on baking by just going around begging people to like her, she has revealed.

Emma Bradford, 33, arrives at all social occasions with a batch of cupcakes she claims to have ‘whipped up for fun’, when in fact they are a byproduct of her crippling self-loathing.

She explained: “I’ve been telling everyone I’m a keen amateur baker and that they’re doing me a favour by trying my recipes, but the obvious truth is that I’m desperate for approval.

“But at a works do I found myself without my shield of baked goods and instead stammered ‘Please like me, I’m so afraid of being unpopular’ and it worked just as well with a lot less measuring and mixing and shit.

“I was trapped on the lonely road that leads to Bake-Off, making a doomed attempt to win validation from the entire nation because I was bullied a bit at school, but I’ve found a quicker way to boost my self-esteem.

“I’m taking back control of my life and will stop trying to win affection with cakes. From now on, I’m doing that with pleading.

“And hand-knitted gifts for special friends, just to make sure.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

‘He didn’t call us a shithole!’ declares triumphant Theresa May

THE prime minister is celebrating after Donald Trump did not include Britain in his list of ‘shithole’ countries. 

The president cancelled his visit to London because endorsing a bad property deal is a moral line he refuses to cross, but refrained from trashing Britain alongside Haiti and Nigeria in what Theresa May has described as a ‘personal victory’.

She said: “The very fact that we are on the president’s mind but not included in a list of ‘AIDS-ridden shithole countries’ that the US should cut all contact with is a diplomatic triumph for the UK that will leave our European rivals deeply envious.

“With this assurance I am happy to leave the EU without a deal, because our status as a non-shithole country in America’s eyes puts us at the front of the queue for trade.

She added: “I knew it was worth holding his tiny, slimy hand.”