Millennial having 'quarter-life crisis' can f**k off, say middle-aged people

PEOPLE who have experienced real existential angst about their age have told a young person facing a ‘quarter-life crisis’ to do one.

After whingeing about turning 30 and not having his life ‘figured out’ yet, millennial Joshua Hudson has been advised by every middle-aged person he knows to f**k off and die.

Office worker Martin Bishop, 52, said: “Oh, is having your relative youth and plenty of life options still open to you proving too much to bear? Forgive me if my heart isn’t exactly bleeding for you.

“So what if you don’t know who you are or what you’re doing? I’m 20 years older than you and I still haven’t got a f**king clue. All I can say for certain is my dream of becoming Britain’s most promising young actor is increasingly off the cards.

“What hurts most is it’s too late for me to sort any of this out. The die has been cast and I’m doomed. I can’t even become a dentist now.”

Donna Sheridan, 48, said: “Having a little wobble about your career isn’t a crisis. You need to unexpectedly chuck your spouse, buy a Porsche Spyder and move to the south of France for no apparent reason. Until you’ve done that, kindly shut the f**k up.”

Hudson added: “Phew, sounds like I’ve got plenty of time to turn things around. I’m sure I won’t wake up and suddenly discover I’m 50 completely out of the blue.”

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Scotland secretly relieved it won't have to do independence

SCOTLAND is quietly relieved that, with the departure of Nicola Sturgeon, this whole independence thing will be considered dead and buried.

The country, which is not really that keen on going it alone, continued to back Sturgeon and the SNP while keeping their lack of interest in a second referendum to themselves.

Bill McKay of Inverness said: “Aye, she was a good lass and a decent first minister, so we indulged her Indyref2 thing. It wasn’t going to happen. We’d already voted against it.

“But she was so set on it that we let her go to the supreme court and all that nonsense. Don’t get me wrong – I hate England, but it all feels like a bit of a risk to me.”

Mary Fisher of Oban agreed: “My husband likes model trains, but apart from that he’s a pretty good husband. Everyone’s got their thing. Independence was hers.

“Hopefully this next one will be ever so proud of being Scottish but not really willing to do anything about it, like most of us. More of an Irn-Bru-and-tablet nationalism. That’s what we’re comfortable with.”

She added: “Oh, and if anyone thinks I’m learning Gaelic they can get to f**k.”