The best sexual positions for doing other activities

DO you get bored during sex due to your partner’s pitiful performance? Here are the best positions for doing something more interesting while it’s going on. 


Gives you an unimpeded view of the TV, although the woman may have to strain her neck a bit. Invaluable if you’re both hooked on Happy Valley, but risks feelings of deep shame if the man ejaculates just as Lenny Henry’s face appears in an ad for Comic Relief. 

The wheelbarrow

The woman supports herself with her hands on the floor as the man lifts her up and enters her from behind. Great for deep penetration and picking up bits of fluff the hoover has missed. You might even find a lost earring.

Oral on her knees

Has submissive overtones that will make him feel as if he’s in a porn film. More importantly, his standing position allows him to look around freely, perhaps out of the window to decide if the lawn needs mowing this weekend, or just to have a good nosy at the neighbours’ new patio.

Kivin Method

Stimulating the vulva from the side orally. With your partner out of the way on the other side of the bed, it’s handy for seeing if there’s anything worth listening to on your clock radio. On the subject of oral sex, don’t bother with 69, all you can see is pubes and it’s useless for doing anything else.

Reverse cowgirl 

Are you a man with a good book on the go, but your partner is more into films? Reverse cowgirl is the perfect position. If she can finally see Glass Onion and you can enjoy rewatching another hilarious episode of Peep Show, you’re really in touch with each other’s sexual needs. 


Also known as a ‘knee-trembler’ and commonly performed against a wall outdoors, this allows you to get sex out of the way while discussing what to have for dinner and whether you’re short of toilet paper or dishwasher tablets, then head round the corner and do the big shop at Asda.

Coital alignment technique

Superficially similar to missionary, this uses a rocking motion to stimulate the clitoris. Performed properly it should result in a powerful orgasm, but that’s unlikely to happen with your partner ineptly humping away, so use the time to have a good think about a whole new colour scheme for the bedroom.  


The man and woman face down and away from each other with the man’s legs on her back and the penis entering the vagina from above. Very much an advanced lovemaking technique, but worth persevering with because the woman can easily use her iPad, while the man’s hands are free for anything from looking at porn on his phone to building an Airfix kit.

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A boiling water tap, and other aspirational items that are actually shit

WHY have a kettle cluttering up your kitchen when you could have a boiling water tap that makes a truly dreadful cup of tea? And these minor status symbols are just as bad…

Boiling water tap

Want a lovely hot cup of tea? Tough shit, because there’s a good chance all you’re going to get with an allegedly ‘boiling’ water tap is a tasteless mug of tepid brown water which needs to be microwaved for 40 seconds to be even close to drinkable. After a couple of weeks you’ll buy a £9 kettle from Argos and pretend none of this ever happened.

A Tesla

You’ll feel so cool and sexy in your ruinously expensive new car, until the battery goes flat on the M5 and you have to get the AA to tow you to the nearest service station because they can’t recharge it. On top of that, you’re now forever tainted by association with uber-twat Elon Musk. Maybe you should get one of his robots that can’t walk or pick things up too.

Bifold doors

Aspirational wankers love bifold doors because they can do dickish, nonsensical things like call their kitchen a ‘garden room’. The downside is that they’re a bugger to open because they’re so heavy, a nightmare to clean because there’s so much glass, and the decking outside is constantly littered with stunned birds. Just have walls and a door like normal people, you bellends.

Complicated coffee machine

You love a flat white but instead of going to Costa like everyone else you decide to blow the best part of a grand on a fancy, shiny coffee machine that will look good in your kitchen. Unfortunately it takes ten minutes to brew the coffee and froth the milk, so you quickly return to your jar of instant Kenco and the great taste of burnt socks.

A boat

You imagine yourself floating around in a sunny bay, quaffing champagne and getting a tan. The problem with this, apart from the fact that you have no idea how to sail, is that you live in Birmingham and the nearest stretch of sea is a two-hour drive away. Still, it looks good on your drive, until the local yobs spray paint a cock and balls on the bow, spoiling the effect of the pretentious name you’d given it, eg. Poseidon’s Chariot.