Nicola Sturgeon hands over power to JK Rowling

FIRST minister Nicola Sturgeon has conceded defeat in the battle for Scottish hearts and minds and handed power to author JK Rowling.

Sturgeon and Rowling have been fighting a proxy war for supremacy north of the border since 2013, and the Harry Potter creator has now assumed unopposed command of Holyrood.

Glaswegian Carolyn Ryan said: “The final blow was the global success of the Hogwarts Legacy game. Sturgeon’s seen those sales figures. She knows it’s over.

“Rowling will run the country from one of her castles, issuing edicts via Twitter. No gender reform, no independence, that nice Keir Starmer but not that nasty Jeremy Corbyn. Who can challenge her now?

“No one’s even heard of any of these Scottish so-called politicians. Rowling’s got Barack Obama in her DMs. Alright she probably can’t solve ferries, the A9, the Scottish NHS or get a second referendum, but nor could Sturgeon.

“As a job, being first minister’s like managing Southampton. You can’t achieve anything and everyone hates you for trying. Rowling’s welcome to it.”

Joanne Rowling responded: “Oh f**k.”

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Sturgeon prepared to hold second resignation if this one doesn't work

NICOLA Sturgeon is prepared to take a second swing at resigning if this first attempt does not pan out, she has announced.

In the unlikely event that her countrymen do not allow her to step down, the Scottish first minister has confirmed she will ignore their opinion and plough on with a second resignation regardless.

She said: “Just because I’ve said I’m leaving doesn’t mean it’s a done deal. There’s plenty that could go wrong and scupper my resignation before I’ve buggered off, but rest assured I will try again and again until I get what I want. As usual.

“I was thinking of putting my departure to a public vote but they tend to get referendums wrong so f**k that. 

“My decision to leave is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Even if a suitable replacement can’t be found and you try to tempt me to stay with a big sack of cash, I’m off.

“Look, either let me go now or put up with me on Question Time every other week threatening to resign for a second time. Even people who were initially in favour of me going will grow tired of the debate and it won’t get any closer to becoming a reality.

“You don’t want that, do you? Didn’t think so. Laters.”