New grandmother decides she'd like to be called Nanbot 3000

A WOMAN who recently became a grandmother for the first time has confirmed she wishes to eschew the usual ‘Gran’ or ‘Nan’ in favour of ‘Nanbot 3000’.

Susan Traherne wanted an original name which reflects the fact that she is a modern woman with cutting edge views on grandparenting in the 21st century.

Traherne said: “‘Grandma’ is too formal, ‘Granny’ makes me sound decrepit and ‘Nan’ conjures up an image of me watching Coronation Street in my slippers while knitting a tea cosy.

“Then there’s things that my friends who are grandmothers have chosen, like ‘Abuela’ and ‘Gigi’, which I refuse to consider because I’m not a massive wanker.

“So I’ve gone with ‘Nanbot 3000’, which sounds sleek and contemporary. My daughter is worried the kid will be bullied, but I think the opposite. Nobody’s going to mess with a child whose grandmother sounds like a murderous super robot.”

Daughter Emma Traherne said: “Aside from the obvious embarrassment, it’s going to be annoying when buying birthday cards as Clinton’s covers basically every base except this one.

“Enjoy getting a shit handmade card every year, mum. You’re going to have to do a hell of a lot of babysitting to make up for this.”

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I hate it when we fight: Six ways to move past an argument without apologising

HAVING a huge tiff and realise you’re in the wrong? A good person would apologise but you can wrap it up without admitting a single fault. Here’s how:

I hate it when we fight

You do. You absolutely hate fighting, also known as them pulling you up on the dickish things you have said or done. But this way it sounds like you want to stop rowing because you like them so much. It’ll go extra far if you make a sad little face.

I’ve forgotten what this was even over

No you bloody haven’t. The pedantic, nit-picky little seed that bloomed into this whole thing is crystal clear in your mind. This way, however, you can convince them that their ridiculous overreactions are what have kept the row going, while you humbly try to appease them.

Let’s agree to disagree

Admitting to having different opinions is not the same as admitting you don’t have a leg to stand on in this disagreement. But it is very diplomatic and mature of you to call the tantrum you have just thrown an ‘opinion’, especially after you have smashed their favourite mug on the floor.

We shouldn’t go to bed angry

A polite way of saying: ‘What if I died in my sleep, then you’d feel so bad for not letting me get my way. Even if what I did was wrong and I refuse to apologise for it, you should still tell me it’s fine in case I tragically perish’. It’s emotional blackmail, and it usually works.

This is silly

Go on, invalidate the entire last hour’s discussion and all of their feelings with it. Note that you didn’t say they were silly, and it almost, but not quite, sounds like you’re admitting that you’re being silly. In other words, a completely nothing statement that still makes them feel guilty for prolonging things any further.

Do you want a biscuit?

They’ll probably interpret the biscuit as an apology, which means the argument will cease. While you’re watching them eat it, you’ll know that you never meant that in the slightest, and they backed down completely for a Hobnob. Pathetic.