Saturday, 24th October 2020

New parent covered in shit and puke told 'you'll miss this one day'

THE parents of a two-month-old baby were told to ‘treasure every moment’ as their daughter was covering them in vile bodily fluids.

While visiting Carolyn and Jacob Ryan and new baby Jessa, friend Ellie Shaw urged them to enjoy their excrement-filled days and scream-filled sleepless nights.

Carolyn Ryan said: “No way. This is just the rubbish bit we have to get through until we get to the good bit where Jessa tells us she loves us and isn’t dripping with puke.

“How dare a woman with adult children who never even hassle her by calling tell me to enjoy the miracle of my firstborn child?”

Shaw said: “I’ve conveniently forgotten about the horrors of looking after my own babies, so I always tell new parents to treasure the baby days. I thought the smell was going to make me barf, though. 

“That said, when they become teenagers and are telling you you’re a loser while simultaneously trying to scrounge money, you’ll be nostalgic for when you were just dealing with literal shit.”