No one cares how tired you are

EVEN though it has been a really tough week and you are absolutely knackered no one gives a shit, it has been confirmed.

Research has revealed that being really tired is not enough to solicit genuine sympathy however much you drone on about it.

Office worker Wayne Hayes, 28, said: “I was really knackered from watching Stranger Things until 3am, so naturally I expected people would be concerned and sympathetic.

“But when I kept yawning and saying how exhausted I was to Louise at work she just said ‘Maybe you should have a coffee’ with about as much compassion as a dead-eyed butcher quartering his hundredth chicken of the day.   

“Also I’m supposed to be going out tonight but I can barely keep my eyes open let alone enjoy myself in a trendy wine bar. Where is people’s compassion?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of The Institute for Studies said: “Tired people should ask themselves a question. Are they ‘kids, busy job and domestic duties’ tired?   

“Or are they ‘on social media till 2am’ tired? Either way no one gives even the remotest of fucks.”

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The wanker's guide to arguments

DO you find yourself losing arguments due to being wrong or thick? Just follow our guide and pretend you’ve emerged victorious.

Intimidate your opponent by becoming ridiculously angry during arguments that do not merit it, eg. “You’re talking shit, mate! Total fucking shit! There were four series of Blackadder, not three!”

Work on the basis that your ill-informed opinions are facts. For example, “All doctors steal drugs from work. Everyone knows that.”

Dismiss someone’s entire argument by saying “That’s fine, but some of us live in the real world”, as if your job as a plumber, sales manager or PE teacher gives you an insight into the gritty underbelly of life like The Wire.

Completely mangle what your opponent has said. If they say some of Labour’s policies make sense, simply reply, “I suppose you want to live under communism then, where everyone earns the same and there’s no point inventing things.”

Refer to ‘my kids’. For example, “We should ban cars because I don’t want my kids struggling to breathe with asthma.” This implies your opponent wants to harm your children, and no one wants to look like a creepy evil bastard.

If you lose an argument in the pub, keep starting new ones until you ‘get even’. Relentlessly hammer away until your opponent is wrong about something, even if it takes hours and ruins everyone’s evening.

If all else fails, twat them.