Only so much slimming black can do, middle-aged goth confirms

A PORTLY middle-aged goth has confirmed there is a limit to the slimming capabilities of an all-black wardrobe.

Nathan Muir, 46, has discovered that black jumpers, T-shirts and waistcoats can only do so much when it comes to masking the rotund belly of a body whose only physical exercise is carrying a cane with a skull on it.

He said: “Sure, it helps when you’re in your 20s and 30s. Once decades of eating pies and drinking snakebite and black catch up with you though? No chance.

“Even a thick black leather trench coat can only go so far. And by so far I mean 100 pounds. Eventually you have to accept that you’ve become the chubby chap sitting down at the back of a Megalodon concert.

“It’s not just gloomsters such as myself who get caught out, either. Even normal people with a cheery disposition will eventually succumb to the humiliation of excess flesh. It’s a depressing thought, which weirdly comforts me.”

Fashion expert Donna Sheridan said: “Firstly, no one should be embarrassed about their body shape. As a society we shouldn’t tolerate fat-shaming.

“However, if you’re sensitive about your weight, painting your face like Gene Simmons and dressing like a vampire is only going to draw attention to yourself. Black or no black.”

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Self-centred anecdote, GIF, moody photo: The six stages of celebrity death grief

CELEBRITIES continue to die at a depressing rate, but how should you process your feelings? If you’re on social media, do this.

The shocked reaction

Internalised emotional reactions are so last century. Your every thought, no matter how inane, needs to be broadcast to the entire planet complete with the corresponding hashtag, and celebrity deaths are no exception. Lost for words? Sum up your feels with the crying/crying with laughter emoji [delete as applicable].

The self-centred anecdote

Having processed your initial thoughts in a way that’s tailored to get the most likes, it’s time to make yourself the centre of the story. Perhaps you saw the celebrity in question once at the airport, or maybe you passed them in the street? Either way, regale people with this anecdote as if you both shared a deep spiritual connection, whereas in reality they had no idea who you are.

The trite fan art

The Queen set the bar high for this one. That drawing of her strolling off into the afterlife hand-in-hand with Paddington is the magnum opus of shit celebrity death fan art. Don’t let that stop you from having a go though. If you’re quick enough and not completely crap at drawing, you might go viral and form the basis of a new meme. In the modern world, that’s the highest compliment.

The ‘in memoriam’ GIF

Sometimes static images alone cannot encapsulate the depth of your grief. Sometimes you’re so sad that only a short, looped piece of silent footage will convey your emotions. Fortunately, you can access these easily on social media via a vast bank of GIFs. Simply type in a dead celebrity’s name and hey presto, instant mourning material. Try to pick one where they look sad though.

The never-before-expressed love

You never mentioned the recently departed celebrity before in your life, but now everyone is talking about them you don’t want to feel left out. That means you’d better start spouting off about how amazing you thought they were, but maybe do a cursory Google beforehand to make sure they weren’t a dictator or a serial killer.

The moody photo

Run out of trite nothings to say? Play it safe by posting a moody black-and-white photo of the celebrity for some easy engagement. For an extra, classy touch, maybe caption it with something like ‘a real one’ or ‘until we meet again’. Don’t worry, it doesn’t look creepy and weird. Not even slightly. You’re good.