Man who accidentally used girlfriend's shower gel horrified to find he smells nice

A MAN who unknowingly used his partner’s mango and passion fruit shower gel is utterly disgusted at how delightful he smells.

Jordan Gardner meant to lather his body in a gel named ICE LIGHTNING SUPER CLEAN FOR MEN with a pungent chemical smell, but instead found himself assaulted by a soft, silky liquid that magically transported him to a tropical jungle of odours.

He said: “It was horrible. I normally use a shower gel that’s basically multi-purpose cleaning fluid packaged in a macho bottle resembling a round of ammunition. But this one was all weird and soothing and made me feel like a new woman.

“I want to wash with something that promises to make me strong enough to wrestle a shark. Not something that will feel nice on my body or make others think I smell good. What’s the point in a shower gel that does that?

“Real men aim to smell as unappealing as possible. I don’t even walk too near flowers in case I pick up some of their scent. And don’t even get me started on eating fruit. I’m not sexist but blokes shouldn’t do that.”

Gardner’s girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “It can be very dangerous using a shower gel meant for the opposite gender. I once used his by mistake and spent the day fighting the uncontrollable urge to call people ‘bro’.”

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Dads call for insulting birthday cards to be classed as hate speech

FATHERS have called for birthday cards that stereotype them as lazy, useless drunks to be classified as hate speech.

After decades of being abused on an annual basis, dads want to be given cards that celebrate them as rounded individuals rather than generic flatulent alcoholics.

Father-of-two Martin Bishop said: “Imagine if you claimed any other group in society was exclusively made up of heavy drinkers who fart all the time and can’t stay awake past the first five minutes of a film. Social justice warriors would be all over you on social media, and rightly so.

“But put that same view on a birthday card under the word ‘Dad’, with an ironically repurposed vintage photo or a naive cartoon and somehow it’s hilarious, rather than hateful.

“And it’s not just the kids. My wife routinely gives me ‘joke’ cards that suggest I’m a crap husband who’s bad in bed and can’t put a shelf up to save my life. Where does it end?

“I’m starting an online petition against this hate speech. Other dads I know agree with me and will sign it if I send them the link. Which I will do as soon as I’ve watched the football on the telly.”