Woman doomed to spend the rest of her life in warm shower

A WOMAN has found herself physically incapable of stepping out of her warm shower and into the cold atmosphere of her bathroom.

Mary Fisher has resigned herself to spending the rest of her life in the steamy cubicle due to the fear of the few unpleasant seconds between leaving it and wrapping herself in a towel.

Fisher said: “It’s just not happening. If I ever leave the shower, I know I’ll freeze up like Han Solo at the end of The Empire Strikes Back.

“What’s worse is that I’ve forgotten to turn on the heated rail, so not only will I have to leave this delightful warmth but I’ll have to wrap myself in a chilly, damp towel. Ten SAD lamps couldn’t drag me from the pit of seasonal depression into which that experience would plunge me.

“So I’ve decided just to live in here. Yes, I’ll shrivel up like a prune, and it’s going to be interesting finding out whether Head & Shoulders has any nutritional value, but it’s the only solution to my plight.

“Or maybe I’ll drown. But that would probably be better than setting foot into the freezing misery of the British winter.”

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Rural neighbours who can't do enough for you a pain in the arse

CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside.

Tom and Donna Logan, who moved to Norfolk after hectic careers in London, were initially touched but then swiftly extremely irritated by the couple next door and their efforts to help them bed into the community.

Donna Logan said: “Bill and Susan left us a basket of apples from their tree as a housewarming present. Which was a lovely gesture, but they were tiny, sour and disgusting. I put them on the compost, which Susan saw and came round to ask if we were allergic or something.

“Later we came home and found them in the kitchen. They’d let themselves in with a key they had from the previous owner. Bill was mending a leak under the sink and Susan was making a crumble with fruit she made sure to tell me she’d driven to the Waitrose in Swaffham for.

“And last week we were getting a bit frisky in the bedroom one afternoon when Bill appeared at the window up a ladder, as he’d taken it upon himself to clean the windows. ‘Don’t mind me!’ he said, as we scrambled to get our underwear on.

“We’re considering moving back to the city. You can get a bit of peace there.”