Only 12 celebrities you know left after yesterday

THERE are only 12 public figures you know left after this week’s flurry of celebrity deaths, it has been confirmed.

The recent passing of Henry Kissinger, Alistair Darling and Shane MacGowan means there are only a dozen celebrities that you recognise remaining, and even that number is set to dwindle by the start of 2024.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “2016 was notable for thinning the herd, but 2023 has been just as brutal. If you’re famous and still alive, well done.

“From Matthew Perry to Sinéad O’Connor, every corner of celebrity has been ravaged. In comparison, the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs was a non-event.

“You probably started to notice celebrities disappearing when they announced the contestants for Strictly Come Dancing. Rather than being a host of familiar faces, they’ve gradually become a smorgasbord of strangers.

“By this time next year the last few will have slipped away and you’ll be marooned in a cultural wilderness of TikTok stars and high profile vloggers. Your grandparents went through a similar thing in the late Seventies, so ask them for tips on how to cope.”

Martin Bishop from Hastings said: “Can’t we protect them in a special zoo or something? Once David Attenborough goes there won’t be any point in living.”

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Sitting backwards on a train will make woman die horribly or something

A WOMAN is unable to sit backwards on a moving train for unspecified yet ominous reasons, it has emerged.

Though the majority of people can sit in the direction opposite to travel with no ill effects, Nikki Hollis has declared herself to be a rare and mysterious exception.

Hollis said: “Sitting backwards on a train makes me feel funny. In fact, that’s an understatement. I can’t quite explain it, but I avoid sitting backwards at all costs.

“It’s such a serious affliction that I need to announce it loudly to the carriage whenever I board a train and am not immediately able to find a seat facing the right way.

“Yes, I do expect people to move. They have never known the awfulness of feeling vaguely nauseous due to travelling in a direction they don’t like. There should be more awareness for conditions like mine.”

Joe Turner, who gave up his seat to Hollis on a service from Brighton to St Pancras, said: “She came and stood next to me while looking pointedly at my seat, so I assumed she was pregnant or something. Turns out she just enjoys making a fuss over nothing.

“The look on her face when we diverted at Solihull and the train started travelling in the opposite direction. F**king priceless.”