Things you do in your 40s your own parents would never have got away with

MANY activities you do now would have made you a social pariah in your parents’ day, especially in middle-age. So cherish your freedom to do these pretty mundane things.

Watching superhero films

These days there’s nothing abnormal about two 45-year-old men earnestly discussing the latest Ant-Man film. Back in the 80s, your dad’s blokey colleagues would have mocked such childish fare, preferring grown-up films of the time like Deathwish 3, an incredibly realistic movie in which a wheezy senior man mows down scores of ‘street punks’ by carrying around a Browning heavy machine gun.

Male moisturising

If a 40+ man wants to moisturise, it’s no problem. In fact you’ll receive high praise for such enlightened behaviour, especially from women. If your dad had let on that he moisturised he would instantly have been called a ‘poof’ and his nickname at work until he retired would have been ‘Liberace’.

Not being married

This sounds ridiculous now, but not in your mum’s day, when being unmarried even in your early 20s meant a race against time to not be ‘left on the shelf’. Society’s solution was to put so much pressure on women that they married the first bloke who wasn’t noticeably deformed and had a job, regardless of attraction or his personality. Come to think of it, your dad is a bit of a tedious twat, so that must be how your parents met.

Playing computer games

If your dad had gone in to work on a Monday and announced he’d spent the weekend being an elven wizard looking for magic artefacts, the next one might have been spent in a padded cell. These days, of course, your colleagues would just rightly assume you’d been playing ZeldaSkyrim or some other fantasy RPG. Of course if someone had played 1970s computer games all weekend they’d probably have brain damage from 32 hours of Pong.

Wearing trainers

In a way it’s odd to wear highly engineered, near-professional-standard sporting footwear to mooch around Tesco, but in your parents’ day you could forget about such super-comfy shoes. If for some reason you had worn trainer-type footwear, people would have assumed you were a sports teacher, and, thinking back to the PE teachers at your own school, you’d prefer not to be known as a definite paedo.

Not believing in God

As late as the 80s people put up a vague pretence of believing in God, and it was quite unusual to say you didn’t believe at all. This resulted in going to Sunday school and the occasional brain and arse-numbing family trip to church. If God exists it’s unlikely he was impressed, and probably wished all you hypocrites would f**k off back to your weekend DIY and telly and stop murdering hymns.

Talking about sex

In 2023 you can bang on about sex until everyone’s sick to death of your clitoris. Not in the 1950s. If a woman even used the word ‘sex’ the room would have gone silent. Older females would quickly have deduced you were a prostitute, and all men present would have assumed you were gagging for it in the nearest Ford Anglia. They were more wholesome, innocent times.

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Chronic liar tells friend he will watch TV series they recommended

A DEVIOUS man has yet again told a friend he will watch a TV series they recommended despite having no intention of doing so.

Modern-day Machiavelli Joe Turner, 36, is so addicted to deceit he constantly makes empty promises to watch shows endorsed by people he knows.

Most recently, when a colleague suggested he watch The Fall of the House of Usher on Netflix, Turner spun a complex web of lies, saying it sounded ‘just like my thing’ and that he would ‘definitely check it out’.  

Turner said: “People love telling you what to watch on telly. And if they get some perverse pleasure from the thought of me watching Squid Game or Stranger Things, who am I to take that away from them?

“The problem is, now I just can’t stop lying. Every time someone recommends the latest bullshit on Disney+, I nod along enthusiastically and tell them I’ll ‘put it on my list’. I don’t have a list, and even if I did Hawkeye certainly wouldn’t be making a f**king appearance.

“At this stage I actually go out of my way to avoid watching things they recommend. There are shows from decades ago I’ve still never seen. If they couldn’t get me to watch Breaking Bad, why am I going to watch Wednesday?”

Co-worker Stephen Malley said: “Joe’s the best mate I have at work. We’re just so similar. Every time I tell him about a new series I’m watching he says he’ll probably start watching it that evening.”