Unhappy couples brace as 'too close to Christmas' break-up deadline approaches

INCOMPATIBLE couples across the UK are feeling the pressure as the window of opportunity to break up before Christmas closes. 

Doomed duos face the stark choice of having to watch The Snowman with someone who gets on their tits, or acknowledging the death of their relationship at the most joyous time of year.

Kelly Howard, 32, dating Tom Logan, 33, movingly described the dilemma affecting thousands of people who dread their partner dicking around in foam antlers in less than a month.

She said: “It’s been three years, but I’ve been ready to give Tom the boot since our summer holiday. Just the way he ate his grilled sardines f**ked me off.

“And frankly I’ve never looked at him the same way since he cried doing Sweet Caroline at karaoke and said it was ‘our song’, the twat.

“Now I face a real Sophie’s choice. Either I end up staying with this knobhead until January, or I make a clean break and get less chocolates.”

Unless Howard commits to an audacious 11th-hour dumping in the next few days, she will face the added misery of a visit by Tom’s passive-aggressive mother and pathologically boring father, along with a forced viewing of Mrs Brown’s Boys festive specials from previous years. 

Meanwhile her partner Tom was finalising his Christmas plans for being a twat, including channel-hopping unless an action movie is on, and stuffing a handful of icy snow down Kelly’s back, weather permitting.

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We'd never have found out the names without you, people with Google tell Piers Morgan

PEOPLE with access to Google have confirmed they would never have discovered the names of the royals accused of racism without Piers Morgan’s help.

Millions of grateful Britons have heaped praise on Morgan for revealing information they were unable to quickly look up on the powerful search engines they keep in their pockets at all times.

Donna Sheridan from Blackpool said: “What a brave and selfless act. I hope Piers is awarded a Pulitzer prize for his journalistic integrity.

“The names of the two royals in question were kept under lock and key in books, newspapers and social media, so without his valiant intervention they might have remained a mystery forever. He truly is a saint.”

Bill McKay from Plymouth said: “I tried to search for the names after seeing the headlines. But when I went to Google them my fingers developed a mind of their own and I ended up on pornographic websites. I blame Meghan.

“A similar thing happened to my wife. When she tried to find out the names she said a weird voice in her head told her to have some self-respect. Explain that, so-called experts.

“So cheers, Piers. Haters will say you’re needlessly positioning yourself at the centre of a bullshit media-orchestrated scandal like the attention-seeking sphincter you are, but the great British public knows better.”