Parents reassure themselves their children won't want to play with them forever

A COUPLE with young children are comforting themselves that one day their kids will not even want to be in the same room as them. 

Stephen and Louise Malley, who have two beautiful boys under five, spend hours engaged in imaginative play with them but are getting through it by promising each other it will one day be over.

Stephen said: “These days won’t last forever. And when I’m crammed into a playhouse castle pretending to eat worms, that thought’s in the forefront of my mind.

“The magic of childhood is all very well, but I’m forty-three and I want to sit on a chair.”

Louise agreed: “I’ve resigned myself to seven more years of this and then, fingers crossed, it’ll be Xboxes and smartphones until they leave home.

“I can’t wait for the moment one of them slams a door in my face or stops speaking to me for a month because I suggest he does his homework.

“Sometimes in the evenings we watch Toy Story 3 and weep at the bit where Andy’s grown up and doesn’t need Woody and Buzz any more. One day, please God, that’ll be us.”

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Is cricket the greatest sport ever or are you just watching it p*ssed?

CRICKET: it dates back to 1598, it goes on for days and despite most of the world having no interest England still never wins. 

But is it the greatest sport ever or are you already drunk by 10am? Find out:

Is cricket really better than football? 

A) Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans, while cricket is a gentlemen’s game played by gentlemen. With no hooligans involved. Hold on, I’m throwing a can of Red Stripe at the umpire.
B) Football is fun, but there’s a limit to how drunk you can get in 90 minutes. With cricket you can really make your buzz last.

What about tennis? 

A) Women play tennis. They’re even good at it. Therefore it can’t properly be considered a sport.
B) Tennis does go on, I’ll give you that, but ever tried to get properly hammered on Pimm’s? Even swigging it neat from the bottle falls short.

Can’t cricket’s rules be hard for the layman to follow? 

A) Don’t see why, it’s perfectly simple. There’s innings, and overs, and leg-before-wicket, and hang on, let me Google it. Sorry, I’m smashed.
B) The great thing about cricket is you don’t have to bother about the rules because the umpire does all that. Round of shorts?

Is there a finer way for an Englishman to spend a sunny day than watching a game of cricket?

A) Not now the Empire’s gone, no. Double gin please.
B) I’m sorry, I’m too drunk to understand the question. You see, the cricket’s on.


Mostly As: Congratulations, you labour under the wild delusion that cricket is somehow superior to all other sports. And are drunk.

Mostly Bs: Well done for recognising cricket as nothing more than an excuse to get wrecked all day. Oblivion is your reward.