Monday, 6th July 2020

Northerner horrified after DNA results show he is 35 per cent Cotswolds

A PROUD Northerner is wondering how to tell his family after receiving a DNA test showing that a third of his genetic material is from the Cotswolds. 

Roy Hobbs of Bolton took the test expecting to receive confirmation that his genetic ethnicity was thoroughly northern going back at least 20 generations, but has been left shattered by the results.

He said: “Who am I now? What happens? Why would God do this to me?

“I wasn’t even sure where the Cotswolds was, because why would I need to know where anything down south is, but it’s properly south. Deep south. Apparently Londoners go there for their fancy airy-fairy mini-breaks.

“There’s no way I can be from the Cotswolds. I drink John Smiths bitter. I love Oasis, the Stone Roses, even the bloody Charlatans. I have mushy peas with my pie.

“Have I been wearing my flat cap in an affected, pheasant-shooting way all this time? Do I have to start watching rugby union? Will I start saying ‘baaath’?”

Hobbs added: “I’d always wondered why sometimes, when it rained, I didn’t want to go out in it. I suppose now I know.”