Northerner horrified after DNA results show he is 35 per cent Cotswolds

A PROUD Northerner is wondering how to tell his family after receiving a DNA test showing that a third of his genetic material is from the Cotswolds.

Roy Hobbs of Bolton took the test expecting to receive confirmation that his genetic ethnicity was thoroughly northern going back at least 20 generations, but has been left shattered by the results.

He said: “Who am I now? What happens? Why would God do this to me?

“I wasn’t even sure where the Cotswolds was, because why would I need to know where anything down south is, but it’s properly south. Deep south. Apparently Londoners go there for their fancy airy-fairy mini-breaks.

“There’s no way I can be from the Cotswolds. I drink John Smiths bitter. I love Oasis, the Stone Roses, even the bloody Charlatans. I have mushy peas with my pie.

“Have I been wearing my flat cap in an affected, pheasant-shooting way all this time? Do I have to start watching rugby union? Will I start saying ‘baaath’?”

Hobbs added: “I’d always wondered why sometimes, when it rained, I didn’t want to go out in it. I suppose now I know.”

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What the British ambassador should have said, by Nigel Farage

THE British ambassador to the US has been caught disgracefully serving his own country’s interests by providing accurate information about President Trump.

Here’s what I, the natural choice to replace him because of my famous impartiality, would have said in his place:

On Trump’s administration:

From the moment Trump arises and begins watching Fox News the golden glow of his benevolent presence radiates throughout the nation, bringing happiness, joy, and economic prosperity wherever it is felt. What need is there for healthcare when his very touch heals the sick?

On Trump’s visit to the UK:

It is a profound discourtesy to this great man to invite him to inspect our country without giving him the option to buy. I am certain that, as a self-made multi-trillionaire, he would make a generous cash offer which we would be fools not to accept. After all, we already speak America’s native tongue.

On visiting a Trump rally:

All the magical togetherness of a classic Brexit rally, but with a substantial number of attendees younger than 75. They chanted my name when Trump told them to and afterwards we all lynched a journalist. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

On guns:

I feel so safe, knowing everyone carries a gun at all times. It’s a warm lovely blanket of protection to know that at any moment I could whip out my Glock and lay any and all busters down. Why would anyone in Britain not want this, unless traitors?

On Ivanka:

The moment she gazed past me as if I was not there, I knew we were destined to be together. I accept my responsibility to take her hand in marriage to seal the union between our two nations. Don’t worry about my current wife, she’s German or something so doesn’t count.

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