Rough family appear to have moved sofa onto street permanently

A FAMILY who moved their sofa outside their house during last weekend’s hot weather appear to be leaving it there indefinitely. 

The green sofa, on which the family and their various associates spent last weekend seated and drinking heavily, now appears to be a permanent summer fixture to the discomfort of all their neighbours.

Tom Booker, who lives in a flat two doors down, said: “Yeah. So apparently they’re just out there all the time now. Until… September, I guess?

“From about noon until way after nightfall they’re sat there, boozing and laughing and shouting and being extremely intimidating on their sofa.

“Our street has become their lounge, and my walking through wheeling my bike is like I’m walking through a stranger’s lounge which it’s rude to walk through wheeling a bike and I know it and so do they.

“Perhaps they’ll go indoors when it rains. I hope it rains. I really, really hope it rains.”

Sofa drinker Steve Malley said: “What? It’s the f*cking summer, isn’t it? They’re welcome to join us if they bring their own cans.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Twelve dead after hen party hears first notes of Mr Brightside

AN INCIDENT in a Stoke-on-Trent nightclub has left 12 trampled to death after a DJ put on The Killers’ Mr Brightside within earshot of a hen party. 

Patrons have blamed the horrific scenes in nightclub Sparks on the DJ, who chose to play the inciting track despite pink sashes and penis-shaped balloons being clearly visible.

Bystander Nikki Hollis said: “Whether it’s criminal negligence I don’t know, but you couldn’t miss the hens so at the very least it was recklessly endangering life.

“There was no warning. The last track was Ellie Goulding for God’s sake, so the dancefloor was virtually empty. The moment those chiming guitars kicked in, the stampede began.

“The people in the way were tossed aside like rag dolls. They never even knew what hit them. I tried to help one man but he’d been in the path of the fat one and the stiletto wound went almost straight through.”

Survivor Joe Turner said: “All I remember was hearing the opening notes then waking up under rubble. I’m okay, but six of my ribs were broken.”

The emergency services have confirmed that the building suffered serious structural damage and will have to be demolished. None of the hen party sustained any injuries.