'Put your big coat on’: how to survive the coming winter by a northerner

Rugged Northerners are unfazed by the impending winter energy crisis. Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains his survival tactics.

Put your big coat on

Feeling a chill cut through to your bones? You’re probably still wearing your flimsy summer jacket, you wazzock. Slip on your designated big coat and stop being so soft. Make sure it hasn’t got a hood though, you don’t want to look like one of those weak London types. A flat cap works in all weathers.

Count your blessings

Who cares if the fuel supply runs out? I’ve lived through much worse, like Thatcher, who’s probably somehow to blame for the current crisis. Consider yourself lucky that you’ve got your health and a roof over your head. It’s not like you’re working 14-hour days in a mill for a ha’penny, like my father would have done if he hadn’t been an accountant.

Stockpile the essentials

It wouldn’t hurt to save up a stockpile of Yorkshire tea bags, jars of Bovril and barm cakes. Just make sure you don’t pick up Earl Grey by mistake otherwise you won’t get its poncy, herbal taste out of your mouth for days. Freezing to death would be a sweet release.

Don’t put the heating on

This sounds like the obvious solution, but you’re not bloody made of money and energy costs a fortune. Hot showers are similarly off limits unless you like the idea of being slammed with a hefty bill. A good dose of hypothermia is character building.

Just bloody get on with it

The shops won’t have any food, there won’t be energy left to power our homes, and there will be a perfect storm of pressure on the NHS. So what? You’re making it sound like the end of the world. Get your head down and stop whinging.

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God damn I wish we weren’t so shit at this, say Tories

SENIOR Tories are furious that the party is so shit at running the country that it could damage their prospects at the next election. 

Conservative MPs are once again left wondering how it is that a party which is so good at getting elected always f**ks everything up the minute it gets into power.

Susan Traherne, member for Eddisbury, said: “It’s such a tiny little thing, not being able to govern.

“Compared to our owning most of the country, having an entirely compliant media backing our every lie and having all the money, you’d think it wouldn’t matter at all. But somehow it still does.

“Just because we inevitably make everything work worse while costing shitloads more – for example trains, energy, the NHS, universities, I could go on – the electorate can’t handle more than a decade or so before turning against us and I don’t think that’s fair.

“Yes, we’ve f**ked everything up and it doesn’t seem unf**kable. Yes, inflation and interest rates are going to rocket. Yes you’ll lose your house. But it saddens me that you’re so disloyal you’ll use that as an excuse to turn against us.”

She added: “Still, we’ll probably get another five years to fix things at the next election. But I know us. We won’t fix shit.”