Rugged Northerners are unfazed by the impending winter energy crisis. Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains his survival tactics.
Put your big coat on
Feeling a chill cut through to your bones? You’re probably still wearing your flimsy summer jacket, you wazzock. Slip on your designated big coat and stop being so soft. Make sure it hasn’t got a hood though, you don’t want to look like one of those weak London types. A flat cap works in all weathers.
Count your blessings
Who cares if the fuel supply runs out? I’ve lived through much worse, like Thatcher, who’s probably somehow to blame for the current crisis. Consider yourself lucky that you’ve got your health and a roof over your head. It’s not like you’re working 14-hour days in a mill for a ha’penny, like my father would have done if he hadn’t been an accountant.
Stockpile the essentials
It wouldn’t hurt to save up a stockpile of Yorkshire tea bags, jars of Bovril and barm cakes. Just make sure you don’t pick up Earl Grey by mistake otherwise you won’t get its poncy, herbal taste out of your mouth for days. Freezing to death would be a sweet release.
Don’t put the heating on
This sounds like the obvious solution, but you’re not bloody made of money and energy costs a fortune. Hot showers are similarly off limits unless you like the idea of being slammed with a hefty bill. A good dose of hypothermia is character building.
Just bloody get on with it
The shops won’t have any food, there won’t be energy left to power our homes, and there will be a perfect storm of pressure on the NHS. So what? You’re making it sound like the end of the world. Get your head down and stop whinging.