Putting on weight and four other hot trends for this summer

THE coronavirus has altered lifestyles so drastically that sitting around in a grubby bathrobe eating cake all day is now de rigueur. But how else will lockdown shape the hot trends for this summer?

Showing off your new curves

No one is getting out of lockdown without gaining a few pounds, so we’d better all agree that fat is the height of fashion. After it’s eased, expect coastlines full of socially distanced humans blubbering around like beached whales in speedos.

A return to the Shit Age of television

No new television can be made for months, so the Golden Age is over. Expect instead to see people getting nerdily obsessed with the sort of tripe we used to sit through, like Juliet Bravo. You might not think you’d enjoy someone live tweeting the entirety of Howard’s Way, but you won’t have any choice.

Sleep addictions

Forget exercise or drugs: sleep is going to become the worrying new addictive trend this summer. So many people are now sleeping an average of 18 hours a day during lockdown that returning to ‘before time’ hours is going to be impossible.

Pyjama couture

During lockdown, the world has realised that any garment that isn’t pyjamas is a pointless faff. High fashion brands will be launching haute couture lines that are ruinously expensive and impractical, but you’ll be able to purchase a cheap nylon knock-off from Primark soon.

Old-fashioned courtship rituals

After lockdown, Tinder hook-ups will be out and walking five miles to stand two metres away from your beloved whilst making polite small talk will be in. Why people are so concerned about catching coronavirus when they didn’t used to give a f**k about catching chlamydia will remain a mystery.

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Families with gardens as f**ked as everyone else if it rains

FAMILIES who have been smugly enjoying their outdoor space are just as f**ked as the rest of Britain as soon as the weather is bad.

Although people with gardens have recently been describing themselves in unbearable terms such as ‘grateful’ and ‘lucky’, it has emerged that a bit of rain reduces them to unhinged wall-climbers like everyone else.

Garden owner Francesca Johnson said: “People have said that this pandemic is a great leveller but that’s not true. A good dose of shit British weather is what really puts us all in the same boat.

“When it was sunny I was saying things to friends without gardens like ‘I don’t know how you’re coping’. But that was really my way of saying, ‘You’ve made some dreadful life choices, haven’t you?’

“Now I’m stuck inside with two children and only a batch of shit fairy cakes they’ve baked to look forward to. If the weather doesn’t pick up soon, I’m going to have to start talking to them. This is a nightmare.”