Seven cold, wet, miserable places to holiday in Britain this half-term

THE October half-term is here. Where are you going for another doomed attempt at a holiday? Try these hellholes:

North Wales

The hotels and static caravans of North Wales are built to withstand lashing, horizontal rain, just like their castles were built to keep out English invaders. But after spending 48 hours trapped indoors with your family you’ll realise that getting drenched while exploring a disused slate mine is more fun. If anything it’ll toughen you up for Christmas at your in-laws.


The absence of crowds, second-home owners, and the tourism industries which have f**ked off now summer’s over has revealed that Cornwall is nothing more than a rocky peninsula stretching out into the cold, dark, murderous Atlantic waves. To make things worse, this means the gastropubs have jacked up their prices.

The Cairngorms

Just because you know in advance that Scotland will be dark, wet and bone-achingly cold doesn’t mean you’re prepared for it. The mountains are beautiful, the landscape is devoid of life and, like the natives, everywhere is implacably hostile.


You like London and you like the seaside, so why not visit London-by-the-Sea? Answer: because the beach is made of uncomfortable rocks instead of sand, the seagulls are higher than you on the food chain, and the residents are just as twatty as Londoners despite living in a drab off-season coastal town. You’re better off in Hove.


The Airbnbs are cheap here, so a family holiday in Nottingham strikes you as a no-brainer. Plus Wikipedia says it’s a friendly city with lots of exciting tourist attractions, and since when has the internet ever been wrong about anything? Two days in you’ll be so bored that getting chased by the police for kicking a pigeon will be the highlight of your week.


Rather than trying to wring any joy from the sputtering, dying flame of 2021, lean into the misery and spend a week in a city-sized petrochemical works where the inhabitants can’t understand you and don’t want to. You’ll return home delighted that you don’t live there all year round.

Driving around the M25 in a campervan

You can’t tour Europe anymore and Britain’s uniformly awful. So why not simply drive around the country’s busiest motorway for seven days straight, sleeping in lay-bys in orbital towns and shitting in Aldi bags like the Romanian truckers used to? You’ll be able to tell everyone that you’ve seen the real Britain they don’t show you in brochures.

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That bloody hoody, and other clothes your boyfriend should have chucked years ago

EVERY man’s wardrobe contains horrors that he’s weirdly attached to even though they should have been binned long ago. Like these:

That bloody hoody

He’s owned it since long before you met him and it is essentially a sartorial safety blanket. He’s even chewed the sleeves, like an actual baby. He doesn’t wear it anymore because you won’t let him but the truth is that he’s just biding his time until you split up.

Those trainers

A pair of standard issue black Converse that have somehow survived every clothing cull for the past eight years. Considering they retail at £50 it’s baffling he keeps hold of them, no matter how comfy they are, because there is more hole than trainer. Plus, they make him look like a failed graphic designer.

His ‘pulling’ pants

These trousers are so called because he snogged a girl in a Yates’ Wine Lodge in Colchester in 2006 while wearing them. Despite your protestations that they will never fit him again because his waistline is now four inches larger he still regards them with a bizarre sense of sentimental nostalgia.

A band t-shirt from 1998

He’s had that Ocean Colour Scene t-shirt for so long that it has now come back into fashion and gained a sense of nostalgic cool. Unfortunately it has also gained a very stubborn smell and several holes, so you can’t even eBay it and spend the money on some grown up clothes for him.

His best jeans

For ‘best’ read ‘only’. These jeans get worn every single day and you can’t recall every seeing them go through the wash. If you checked the pockets you’d probably find a paper tenner and a Woolworths receipt, but wild horses wouldn’t drag you close to the crotch of those trousers which is why you’ll only shag him after he’s had a shower.