IF YOU had a car in the last 40 years, you bought this shit and believed it a good idea:
Hanging from the rear-view mirror in the 1980s, adding a touch of gambling fun to every Ford Cortina, you honestly thought these were clever. Until the bloke from the next street fitted the Dukes of Hazzard horn to his car and your girlfriend left you for him.
Anti-static grounding strip
There was a time when no car would be without an anti-static strip connecting the car’s bumper and the road to discharge the fatal build-up of static electricity which otherwise electrocuted nobody, ever. A perfectly ineffective solution to an entirely imaginary problem.
Beaded massage seat covers
Were you sick of driving somewhere, getting from A to B with unparalleled convenience, and at the same time not receiving a massage? Then this innovation was aimed exactly at your entitled idiot brain. Merely drape it over your seat and it’s like you’re sitting on marbles for hours and f**king hours.
Ever halfway through an anecdote about driving from Coventry to Stoke-on-Trent and found your verbal account isn’t bringing alive the journey for your audience? Now you can show everyone exactly what it was like in real time. Also useful in a crash, so your insurers can be absolutely sure it was definitely your fault.
Often find yourself nodding off on longer drives? Worried that nightmares will cause you to unconsciously jerk the wheel to the right, crossing two lanes of traffic and causing an accident that’s all down to that bad dream? Get a massive dreamcatcher so only benign, traffic-calming dreams can get through. Sorted.
Furry dice (ironically)
Your dad had them, conceived you in the back of the car to a Bruce Springsteen song about conceiving a child in the back of a car, and now you’ve got furry dice in a car of your own but at one remove, as a joke. Who the f**k you are fooling is a question it’s best not to ask.