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Six aspects of your porn viewing you'd rather not talk about

IT’S supposedly normal to watch porn now, but you’d still prefer not to have a good old chat about it with your partner. Here are some issues you’d rather didn’t come up.

Have you got a thing about older women?

You’ve watched rather a lot of MILF and teacher porn so the answer might well be ‘yes’. But it’s not your fault – as a teenager you were biologically programmed to fancy most adult females you encountered. If you’d grown up with robots you’d want to shag Maria from Metropolis, and she’s got sharp edges.

This is totally unrealistic. It’s ridiculous.

You agree completely. Porn is incredibly stupid. But it’s not directed by Ken Loach, it’s directed by a sleazy bloke who pays porn people to have anal sex on his patio. You realise the chances of banging an attractive and unusually promiscuous pizza delivery girl are zero. Someone should tell Domino’s to change their hiring policy. The best part of 25 quid for two medium pizzas and a bit of coleslaw wouldn’t be such a rip-off then.

Elf porn? I mean… elf porn?

Oh come on, it’s just there to click on for free. Everyone says we should be liberal and broadminded, then suddenly a bit of hot Galadriel action is ‘weird’. The hypocrisy is disgusting.

What’s that grim-looking bondage dungeon video? 

Idle curiosity, honestly. You found it degrading to women and clicked on something else after a minute or two. So you’re actually a very moral person, like Jesus. If he’d spent his time watching videos with weird titles in bad English, such as ‘This big boob Roman babe make me cum so hard on a donkey!!!’

I suppose you wish I looked like her and had large breasts.

A tricky question. Obviously the answer is ‘yes’, but you’re also reasonably intelligent and realise a real relationship is different to fantasy sex. You’re not permanently disappointed with life because you’re not a cop shagging a beautiful, intriguingly dangerous novelist, like Nick in Basic Instinct. Because that’s made-up. Also it may be Sharon Stone, but the mind games would really get on your tits after a bit. 

Maybe we should watch porn together?

Let’s not, eh? You’ll look like a vile misogynist thanks to what other Pornhub masturbators watch. Also it reeks of ‘supervised fun’, like being taken to a crap municipal fireworks display in the rain by your parents as a kid, and you don’t get much less erotic than that.  

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Jeans with holes in: products Northern dads can't see the bloody point of

ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay. 

Baby shoes

I love my grandson, but my son is a weak-minded fool for buying him baby footwear. He’ll grow out of the bloody things in a couple of months, and when I ran around in bare feet as a lad I hardly ever cut myself on broken glass. And you soon get used to drawing pins stuck in your feet. He’s being molly-coddled.

Jeans with holes in

If you paid a builder to put a new roof on and he left it with bloody great big holes, you’d track him down at your local Wetherspoons and give him a slap. Why should jeans be any different? My youngest says it’s a style thing. Well there’s nothing stylish about getting pneumonia in your knees!

Scented candles

My daughter seems to piss half her monthly pay cheque away on sandalwood and bloody lavender candles. No wonder she can’t afford a house down in London, with practically setting fire to her wages. There are plenty of cheaper ways to get your house smelling lovely, just keep a deep-fat fryer on the go in the kitchen, for example. 

Moisturiser

Do you think cavemen were going around rubbing bloody aloe vera all over each other? No, they had too much else to be getting on with. You couldn’t be worrying about putting Nivea under your eyes when a pterodactyl’s flying off with your wife. Having leathery, sun-damaged skin is the sign of a life well-lived, I say.

Branded toilet paper

People in olden days used to clean themselves with rags. Now when I go round my eldest’s house for a dump his bathroom’s full of quadruple-ply, moistened, scented loo roll that costs a pound a sheet. The world’s gone mad. Single-ply store brand bog paper is more than enough. Eventually your anus will just callous up and you’ll be able to wipe your arse with sandpaper.

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