Six behaviours that become creepy when you're a middle-aged man

NOBODY says anything about you being 49 and having a TikTok, but absolutely everybody is thinking it. These activities are also suspicious, for you:

Liking pop music

It is dodgy for you to praise Taylor Swift, no matter how you disguise it with ‘she’s a genius songwriter’ and ‘heir to Joni Mitchell’. Taylor Swift is a young, beautiful woman and you have a streak of grey in your pubic hair. Midnights is but a soundtrack to your lurid fantasies.

Watching Love Island

We already know you didn’t watch Eurotrash in a spirit of continental enlightenment, so how can we trust you? Watching semi-nude twentysomethings parade and mate is an experience of deep empathy for millennials. You’re just perving. It’s alright for your wife to watch it though.

Using social media

When you pop up to congratulate a mere 31-year-old on a new job on Facebook, it’s creepy as f**k. It’s like you were there, over their shoulder, licking your lips the whole time. Twitter’s worse because you make jokes. And you have no business being on Instagram.

Being too close

Okay, it’s a packed train but why so close, Mr Still-Remembers-Britpop? Only as close as everyone else admittedly, but that’s a young woman flinching at your decrepitude and obviously-repressed lust. Why don’t you shove up against someone your own age?

Driving a fancy car

The hairs on every woman’s neck stand up when you pull up in your Audi R8, and not in a good way. Your type – divorced, throws money about, string of younger girlfriends – is despicable, even if you personally are innocent of these crimes.

Having ‘beautiful daughters’

It gives everyone the ick when you talk about how stunning your daughters are, whether they’re five or 25. And stories about gazing in at them sleeping or brushing their hair? Do you know how you sound? Leave that to their mother and play it safe by only speaking to give directions to the ring-road.

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Man will never again be as popular as when he owned a car in sixth form

A MAN in his 30s has realised that he will never hold such high social status as when he had a car in the sixth form.

Oliver O’Connor, from Bristol, arrived at the grim conclusion that the two school years in which he owned a dented Nissan Micra represented the pinnacle of his life.

O’Connor said: “It was glorious. All it took was a banger my dad bought for £200 from someone he knew down the pub and suddenly I was the absolute fanny magnet I always wanted to be.

“It seemed there was nothing more thrilling or exotic than the experience of being driven to Tesco at lunchtime, never going over 30 miles per hour, to buy a prawn sandwich and smoke fags by the trolleys.

“Everyone was desperate for a seat in that car. The cool boys and beautiful girls who’d completely ignored me before suddenly wanted to be my friend. That car worked better for me than my personality ever could.

“I’ve looked after it and kept it on the road, even though it’s over 30 years old now. It can’t be long before it becomes vintage and people want to hang around with me again.”

Donna Sheridan, who briefly dated O’Connor, said: “He seemed alright until he told me he’d spent over £30,000 on that shitty old car of his. What a lunatic.”