How to regain your dignity after ordering a half

FEELING like a worthless, pathetic weakling after ordering half a pint? Start rebuilding your dignity with these tips.

Say it was a joke

Ha! A big strapping burly bloke like you ordering a mere half! Imagine! This is clearly a hilarious prank that you’re pulling on somebody, although it’s unclear who. Ride out the confusion by loudly laughing to yourself and slapping your knee, then swagger off to the bathroom for a massive slash. That’ll underline the irony of that measly half.

Explain that you’re driving

The barman didn’t ask you to explain anything, but you feel compelled to do so for the sake of your reputation. Without context the half is a disgraceful affront to your identity, however once you make it clear that you shortly need to drive home your name will be saved. You’re just squeezing in the most alcohol you can legally consume before then, which is perfectly respectable.

Pretend it’s for someone else

Make your scapegoat someone believable, like a young child or a woman. They’re notoriously incapable of necking a whole pint. If neither of them are to hand, say it’s for your mate who’s popped out for a fag then secretly drink it while the barman isn’t looking. Then wait 20 minutes before getting another round in to avoid suspicion.

Down it like a shot

Half pints are only embarrassing if sipped on like a regular pint. If you down it in one swift gulp like a shot, you’ll not only retain your dignity, you’ll likely impress everyone in the bar at the same time. They’ll probably carry you down the street on their shoulders while chanting your name, such is their level of admiration for your drinking prowess.

Order a pint

Making up the shortfall by ordering another half won’t fix things. You need to completely undo the wrong by ordering a proper quantity of alcohol. Once there’s room in the pint, tip the half in and shamefully drop the little empty glass off at the bar. Unfortunately this won’t stop the regulars calling you something stupid like ‘Half-pint Harry’ for the rest of your life.

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Thom, and other pretentious name spellings that signal an utter twat

MOST of us make do with a bog-standard spelling of our name but some people have to be wankers about it, like these:


Both Tom and Thomas are desperately boring, but either would be better than the horribly pretentious ‘Thom’. Get right on their tits by pronouncing the ‘th’ sound, as in ‘thumb’, and making them sound like a twat. If they don’t want you to use it, why have they added the extra letter?


A name with a ‘z’ in it is already pretty quirky, so you’d have to be pretty f**king insufferable to add a ‘unique’ spelling on top. It’s bad enough if your parents inflicted this version on you, but if you adopted it because you wanted to be a manic pixie dream girl like Zooey Deschanel, then you deserve all the mockery you get.


In your mind this way of spelling Emily would be used by a young woman in a Jane Austen novel with a modest fortune and a playful disposition. However, when it’s written on your bank card you’re obviously someone who hasn’t got over trying to stand out at secondary school by writing your name in a stupid way.


Luke is a decent name, but if you insist on people calling you ‘Lucas’, they’ll think you’re a bit hoity-toity. However, when they find out you spell it ‘Lukas’, as if you’re a bearded banjo player from a struggling folk band, they’ll know for sure that you’re an absolute wanker. Stick with the one syllable, people will respect you more.


If this is the way your name is spelled on your birth certificate, you should change it. And if you’ve adopted this spelling yourself, you should be ashamed. You don’t sound like a sensitive poet from antiquity, you sound like a bellend.