FEELING like a worthless, pathetic weakling after ordering half a pint? Start rebuilding your dignity with these tips.
Say it was a joke
Ha! A big strapping burly bloke like you ordering a mere half! Imagine! This is clearly a hilarious prank that you’re pulling on somebody, although it’s unclear who. Ride out the confusion by loudly laughing to yourself and slapping your knee, then swagger off to the bathroom for a massive slash. That’ll underline the irony of that measly half.
Explain that you’re driving
The barman didn’t ask you to explain anything, but you feel compelled to do so for the sake of your reputation. Without context the half is a disgraceful affront to your identity, however once you make it clear that you shortly need to drive home your name will be saved. You’re just squeezing in the most alcohol you can legally consume before then, which is perfectly respectable.
Pretend it’s for someone else
Make your scapegoat someone believable, like a young child or a woman. They’re notoriously incapable of necking a whole pint. If neither of them are to hand, say it’s for your mate who’s popped out for a fag then secretly drink it while the barman isn’t looking. Then wait 20 minutes before getting another round in to avoid suspicion.
Down it like a shot
Half pints are only embarrassing if sipped on like a regular pint. If you down it in one swift gulp like a shot, you’ll not only retain your dignity, you’ll likely impress everyone in the bar at the same time. They’ll probably carry you down the street on their shoulders while chanting your name, such is their level of admiration for your drinking prowess.
Order a pint
Making up the shortfall by ordering another half won’t fix things. You need to completely undo the wrong by ordering a proper quantity of alcohol. Once there’s room in the pint, tip the half in and shamefully drop the little empty glass off at the bar. Unfortunately this won’t stop the regulars calling you something stupid like ‘Half-pint Harry’ for the rest of your life.