Five aphrodisiac foods that are a big red flag to your date

ARE you hoping to boost your sex drive and your chances of getting laid by ostentatiously eating aphrodisiac foods on a date? Here’s how it might backfire.


If you fancy your chances enough to visit a fancy restaurant, don’t blow it by ordering oysters. As you suggestively slurp away at their slimy, vag-like innards, your date will conclude you’re a try-hard twat and any attraction they feel will die a far swifter death than the poor molluscs. 


If you’re at the cinema and produce a bag of liquorice, then whisper sexily in your date’s ear ‘it’s an aphrodisiac’ with foul liquorice breath, don’t be surprised if they go to the toilet and never come back. Only maniacs and old people like liquorice. Their dad probably loves it. You are not going to pull if you’ve planted the mental image ‘your horny dad’ in their head.

Hot chillies 

Sinking your teeth into a hot chilli pepper is never a good idea. Especially if you’re cooking for a date. Perhaps the experience will boost your sexual stamina, but your date isn’t likely to hang around while you spend the rest of the evening pouring mouldy yoghurt into your fiery mouth and shouting ‘I’m on fire!’ (and not in a sexual way, although that would be bad too).


Sucking out a fig’s brain-like insides, seeds and flesh stuck between your teeth, while claiming ‘it’s nature’s viagra’ is something your date will find it hard to forget. Chances are they’ll file it away as one of their ‘least sexy date moments ever’ – it may even become a story they tell future dates to bond with them. So figs do lead to hot sex.


Think twice before you start ostentatiously ramming spoonfuls of seeds into your mouth whilst claiming you can already feel your sexual desire mounting. And although it’s true, don’t mention to a woman that pomegranate can improve sperm quality. Weirdly, they may not be planning to get pregnant on a first date.

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Call everyone 'boss': How to curry favour with the scary men at Halfords

HALFORDS can be intimidating for the sensitive, modern man who doesn’t know how to check his oil. Here’s how to ingratiate yourself with the frightening blokes who replace your headlights.

Call everyone ‘boss’

An easy way to win over the burly lads at Halfords is to jovially refer to them as ‘boss’, ‘pal’, ‘mate’ and, if you’re feeling adventurous, ‘bud’. This creates the illusion you’re one of them, not some anxious nerd who doesn’t know the first f**king thing about cars or masculinity.  

Identify the alpha male then repeatedly compliment them

You don’t need to please everyone to win the favour of a group. Simply target the alpha male and focus on them. Say something like ‘great work fitting those wipers, boss’. As your confidence increases, try ‘lovely biceps, pal’. Alternatively, give him a brief solo round of applause every time he changes a tyre or serves a customer.

Stay calm when asked to open your bonnet

At Halfords you may be asked to pop open your bonnet. Your natural impulse will be to let out a panicked, girlish shriek, humiliating yourself in front of the car men. Instead act like you open your bonnet all the time and definitely know where the release lever is. Then get in your car and frantically try to find it in less than five minutes.

Casually use words like ‘torque’ in conversation

You can’t earn the affection of the menfolk at Halfords without knowing a thing or two about cars. Luckily, it’s easy to pretend. All you need to do is drop words like ‘torque’ and ‘chassis’ into the conversation like you use them all the time. When they say something you don’t remotely understand, just smile and nod knowingly. 

Do a handbrake turn in the car park

If you’ve tried everything and still haven’t gained the respect of the Halfords lads, it’s time for drastic action. Blow their minds by hopping in your Fiat Panda and pulling off a jaw-dropping handbrake turn right in the middle of the car park. How hard can it be? Nail it, and you’ll be a legend for the rest of your days. Fail, and you’ll never be able to show your face in Halfords again. But who needs two headlights, anyway?