Friday 13th and other superstitions you shouldn't believe if you're an adult

ONLY children and the religious believe in mysterious forces that control your destiny. If you’re a rational adult it’s time to grow up and accept these superstitions are laughable.

Friday 13th

Supposedly the unluckiest date, but how bad can a Friday be? Even if everything goes wrong and you fall down a hole it’s still Saturday tomorrow, meaning you get to lie in and do f**k all. Tuesdays, however, are the grimmest day of the week and they happen every seven days. Ward them off by sacrificing a goat. Or just pull a sickie.

Breaking a mirror

No, you will not be blighted with seven years of bad luck. You might have shards of glass embedded in your skin though, which is a much more pressing concern that can be blamed on physics. If you want genuine misfortune for seven years, get a black mark on your credit rating then try to buy a house. 

Knocking on wood

Wood is good for making coffee tables and fuelling fires. It is less capable of protecting you from the evil intent of the cosmos. Giving wood a light rap as you outline your plans will make bugger all difference to the result and carries the risk of giving you a splinter, which would be considered unlucky if luck existed.

Walking under a ladder

Is walking under a ladder unlucky, or an inherently stupid thing to do? It’s the latter. But people who believe in crystals and take star signs seriously like to imagine that ladders are a malevolent force hell-bent on bringing catastrophe. Rational adults on the other hand believe in falling paint cans and trowels.

Getting shat on by a bird

How is a bird taking a dump on your head a good thing? The only positive side effect is it gives other people something to laugh at, but that doesn’t help you as you frantically try to wipe it off. Even if you buy a winning lottery ticket shortly after getting shat on, that can be chalked up to something called ‘coincidence’.

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Brave Kate soldiers on by wearing coat and waving

THE public are in awe of the bravery of the Princess of Wales, who has soldiered on despite her brother-in-law’s attacks by wearing a coat and waving.

Kate astonished crowds with her mental fortitude by not dragging herself across the floor dressed in sundered rags while weeping, but instead stoically walking and smiling as if Harry’s betrayal was not a thousand jagged splinters of pain in her heart.

Onlooker Margaret Gerving said: “I was so afraid for Kate. I thought, with everything that’s gone on, she would have lost her wave.

“She’d try but the hand would just dangle limply. Her smile, inviting the whole nation to consider her a personal friend, would become a grimace. Her coat would slip from her hunched, stress-laden shoulders.

“But instead, despite having suffered the equivalent of six years’ torture in a Viet Cong death camp at Harry’s hands, she didn’t show any of it. So stunningly brave.

“It’s inspiring that she could still look wonderful in a £749 Holland Cooper coat. It’s given me hope that the Royal Family might survive this after all.”