Owning a Breville sandwich maker: Things Generation Z will never know the joy of

SOME moments of unadulterated joy are lost in time forever. Such as your dad buying a toasted sandwich maker in the 1980s. Here are many more that Gen Z have missed out on.


You were the envy of your little friends if you owned one of these 3D viewers in the 70s. You could almost reach in and touch Cornwall or scenes from The Man from U.N.C.L.E. What have Gen Z got? Avatar: The Way of Water. Suck it up, losers.

Breville toasted sandwich makers

Sure, you can easily buy one now, but you had to be there when they were a massive fad in the early 80s. White-hot baked beans and melted cheese in a hard, margarine-sodden bread casing? What miracle food was this? You’re tempted to get one off Amazon, except you won’t because they were a pain in the rectum to clean.

Nature and killing it

Young people now respect the environment. But have you truly lived if you’ve never experienced the godlike power of life over death of shooting a frog with an air rifle? No. Although you still feel guilty about it.

Mr Frosty 

Slushie machines are in every corner shop these days, but they’re a poor substitute for your own Mr Frosty drinks maker. You were ecstatic if you received one for Christmas, because who wouldn’t want to drink endless cups of crushed ice in the depths of winter until your teeth hurt?

Bullshit local myths 

We’re all familiar with the concept of urban myths thanks to Snopes or just debunking tall tales with Google. As a result Gen Z have missed out on genuinely believing a man-eating 15-foot pike lives in a local pond, or a weirdo on the estate had murdered hundreds of kids and stuffed them. It’s sad that science and rationality have taken away these magical myths. 

TV porn you felt you’d earned

Where’s the fun in being able to easily look up porn on the internet? If you wanted to see 12 seconds of shagging in The Singing Detective you had to sit through hours of thought-provoking, multi-layered drama and a lot of flaky skin. If you could think of a legit reason to stay up until 2am to watch Naked Yoga on Channel 4 you were a f**king genius.

GCSE coursework

Just dreary schoolwork to Generation Z. But for the first generation to do GCSE coursework it meant YOU’D ALREADY DONE HALF THE EXAM! Admittedly it was a bit demoralising for kids who’d f**ked up already, but for swots with 49 per cent out of 50 it was a truly wonderful development. Christ, it’s no wonder you couldn’t get laid.

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South to be 'levelled down' to level of North

PROSPEROUS Southern towns are to be systematically run down to the same level as deprived ‘Red Wall’ Northern towns, it has been announced.

The government hopes the move will finally make good on their promise that ‘We are all in this together’, as well as defusing North-South resentment and helping restore national unity.

Prime minister Rishi Sunak said: “I get it. You’re living in one of these godforsaken Northern towns, Workington or Hoghole or Dogdirt, and everything’s boarded up thanks to decades of wokery and the EU.

“You see images of Southern people with their conservatories and double garages and big gardens in places like Tunbridge Wells and you think, ‘‘Eh oop! That’s not fair, by t’ecky thump!’

“We thought about levelling up but that’s not fiscally realistic after Truss. There are no magic money trees, the credit card has maxed out and we can’t afford it as a national household.

“So instead we’re going to introduce economically suicidal policies, funneling money and resources to a vanishingly tiny super-elite which ensures that currently well-to-do towns in Kent, Surrey and Sussex are reduced to the sort of run-down shitholes you get up North.”

“The great thing is, as 2016 and 2019 show, when communities are left to rot they’re even more inclined to vote Brexit or Tory. 

“So let’s get levelling down until even the most picturesque village in the Cotswolds is just vape shops and spice addicts.”