Six people who need to f**k off out of the bathroom

IS your bathroom a constant battleground for use of the toilet and mirror? Here are some loved ones and guests who really need to stop faffing around in there.

Your teenage son

Look, kiddo, squeezing your disgusting spots won’t result in a Beverly Hills 90201 complexion – actually more of an Edward James Olmos look in the future – and a minor change to your hairstyle with some gel won’t help you lose your virginity. Your dad knows these things. He was in chess club and did a lot of wanking.

Your partner (male)

Oh God it’s disgusting to think about. He’s got himself nice and comfy on the toilet and he’s thoroughly enjoying a poo as if it’s both a sensual experience and a significant life achievement. He’ll probably admire it when he’s done. He’s taken his Andy McNab book in there, so you can forget about brushing your teeth until Andy’s finished taking out an Iraqi armoured personnel carrier.

Your partner (female) 

She’s having a long, relaxing soak, the cow. You’ve tried explaining your skin can get waterlogged and fall off, like in that shark film you made her watch, but she just says ‘F**k off’ through the bathroom door. It rankles because, as a man, you’re in and out of there in seconds like a well-rehearsed SAS operation.

Plumber or electrician

It would be inhumane to deny them use of the toilet, but they have broken a sacred bond between homeowner and lavatory. No stranger must be allowed to violate the sanctity of your toilet seat with their big hairy arse. You should have made them drive to the nearest Costa, even if you look as if you’ve got rampant Howard Hughes-style germophobia.

Your daughter 

You can only guess at how many of her 300 or so compulsory grooming processes she’s completed, ranging from invisible leg hair removal to applications of moisturiser and Clearasil. Can anyone see into your back garden? Because your bladder’s reaching critical mass and you might have to have a slash behind the garage, hopefully without ending up on the sex offenders register.

Visiting elderly parents 

As time ticks by, you have ask WHAT THE F**K IS YOUR ELDERLY DAD DOING IN THERE? Okay, your bowels probably seize up a bit in old age, but it’s been 25 minutes. Probably he’s up to one of his annoyingly pointless habits like taking the lid off the cistern to ‘check’ it. Great, he’s just added another level of aggravation by making you realise you’ll regret these harsh thoughts if he’s actually dead.

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Five celebrities you honestly thought were already dead

CELEBRITY deaths are always a sad event, unless they’re one of these famous people you’re amazed haven’t popped their clogs yet.

That kid from The Sixth Sense

He was everywhere 30 years ago, in Forrest Gump and A.I and possibly even some good films too. A young actor of that calibre would surely still be on the big screen if he were alive, wouldn’t he? Well he is. You’d subconsciously written him off as an OD or similar, although that might have been preferable to Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

John Cleese

You know some of the Pythons are already dead, but has Cleese shuffled off this mortal coil? Palin’s definitely still around because he still pops up on chat shows, whereas the Fawlty Towers star doesn’t even appear in shit like Rat Race anymore. Oh hang on, he’s on GB News droning on about ‘cancel culture’. Phew, that’s a relief.

The Pope

Even a freshly-appointed pope doesn’t look like they’ve got many years left in the tank. Once the church chooses the next one you’ll take one look at them and be amazed when they’re still not dead years later. The Vatican really needs to hire a hip young Pope to attract modern young people who believe in demons and don’t like sex.

James Earl Jones

Disney’s got other people to do the voice of Darth Vader in crap Star Wars spin-offs, so this respected actor is probably dead, right? Nope, he’s not become a Force ghost yet, he’s alive and well. However Green Cross Code Man David Prowse died quite recently, sadly, after a lifetime of wishing Lord Vader had had a Somerset accent.

The Cheeky Girls

You dimly recall that one of the Romanian singing duo was engaged to Lib Dem MP and superlative twat Lembit Opik, but what about the other one? Did she meet her doom at the hands of one-hit-wonder stardom and excess? That would explain why the other twin’s career never reached the dizzying heights of ‘Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)’. Only death could stop that raw talent.