Six rooms middle-class people think they need in their houses

MOST people get by with just enough rooms for basic life activities. Not so the British middle class. Here is a list of unnecessary living spaces that are vital to their existence.

Utility room

Middle-class families know they are nothing without a room dedicated to slightly dirty clothing. While most people just let laundry pile up then bung it in the machine, well-heeled families need a room solely devoted to a tumble dryer and big sink. Recently UNICEF warned that a middle-class child growing up without a utility room is technically living in extreme poverty.  


The larder’s posher relative, the pantry is a place to store food that simply cannot be stored in the kitchen or it will… we’re not sure. Explode? The pantry is a reflection of middle-class families’ relentless desire to hoard tins of Italian things. And to keep your actual kitchen cupboards useable you need somewhere for foodstuffs that are aspirational but only a masochist would actually eat, eg. bags of red quinoa. Also, Nigella has a pantry. Enough said.


If you loved your children and valued the developmental importance of play, you too would have a room dedicated to the joy of childhood. It would also get rid of the endless Hot Wheels paraphernalia and nerf guns clogging up your house. The middle classes are onto something here, but they also don’t realise you can just put the telly on, thus removing the need for play altogether. 

Boot room

Not content to leave their shoes abandoned by the back door for the next person to trip over, like normal families do, middle-class families need a room solely for their shoes. And not even shoes – boots. Either hiking boots for country walks no one really enjoys, or Wellington boots for other wholesome outdoor crap. They particularly love this room because it sounds like the kind of thing they would find at a National Trust property.


Middle-class families love having living rooms full of books they are yet to read and a piano only dad can play a bit, badly, which means the telly has to go somewhere else, which is the ‘snug’. Aptly rhymed with ‘smug’, this room contains a couple of really comfy modern sofas and an olympic size TV. Obviously you don’t call it the TV room. If you’re going to be that common you may as well replace the labrador with a snarling Staffie and get your baby tattooed.

Garden office

Do you honestly expect them to work from home in a non-work-dedicated workspace? How could they do their admin job of questionable value to society at the kitchen table? It’s literally unthinkable. And without a garden office, where would the man of the house go to sleep when they inevitably have another vicious marital row caused by the stress of paying for all these rooms?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to be a good ally to a straight white man

YOU might be a progressive tofu-eating Guardian reader, but do you know how to support straight white men? Become an ally to this un-marginalised group with this guide.

Educate yourself

Learning requires unlearning. Forget all those preconceived notions about how terrible straight white men are that feminism has brainwashed you with. If you read the history books you’ll find at least a dozen who didn’t do anything terrible. Their descendants should be proud of this achievement.

Speak up

If you hear someone speaking ill of straight white men, have the courage to speak up and defend them. Like Atticus Finch, but for people with a Ford Focus called Graham. However white men have done a lot of bad shit like sexism and inventing golf, so do a rigorous fact check to make sure the insults are not justified. Usually they are, so you’re better off keeping your mouth shut, actually.

Try to get to know one

Not difficult because they’re bloody everywhere. The hard bit is putting up with them as they dominate the conversation and correct you on your opinions with wisdom gleaned from the pub or ‘the real world’. Your hard work will pay off though as you’ll be able to say ‘I’ve got a lot of straight white friends, actually’ if someone accuses you of being progressive.

Own their privilege for them

Because f**k knows they won’t acknowledge it for themselves. Whenever you see a straight white man taking the inside track on life thanks to the vast privilege gifted to him by society, make sure you remind them of their undeserved good fortune and undermine any actual hard work they might have put in. They’ll be really grateful for your feedback and try to fail in future.

Learn tolerance

Nobody’s saying you need to go as far as inviting one to hang out with your multi-racial gender fluid polycule on board game night. Could you imagine? But small changes add up. If you can listen to a straight white man droning on about fishing or roadworks without yawning, you’ll be making a positive difference to society. Well done, you hero.