'Why is the sky blue?' and other questions your kids can just f**king Google

SINCE the dawn of mankind kids have tormented their parents with stupid questions. But now you can just point them in the direction of the nearest search engine when asked this sort of shit.

‘Why is the sky blue?’

How the f**k is anyone supposed to know why the sky is blue? You’ve got more important things to worry about, like your mortgage and that weird noise your car has been making. You know it’s summat to do with refraction, but no need to rack your brains, there’ll be a Wikipedia page on it by Dorky McDorkface. 

‘Where do people go when they die?’

Providing spiritual guidance to a child is an incredibly rewarding experience, but also quite difficult unless you’re a theologian. As such it’s best that this vital guidance in life is provided by a laptop or smartphone. There are plenty of useful resources a small child can refer to: memes, YouTube videos by fundamentalist Christians, and, of course, Clive Barker’s Hellraiser films.

‘Where do babies come from?’

Thankfully, modern parents have been liberated from the agonising ordeal of ‘the talk’. Forget all the awkward bullshit about mummies and daddies loving each other very much. Hand your kid a tablet, send them to their room and tell them to direct their questions to the world wide web. They’ll have a normal and healthy understanding of sex in no time.

‘Why do dogs have tails?’

You do so much for your kids. You endure their awful TV shows, drive them to karate lessons and shower them with gifts on special occasions. And yet, after all this, they’ll still turn around and ruin your whole day with ‘Why do dogs have tails?’. It’s such a bollocks question you shouldn’t even bother Google with it. Tell them to type it into Bing while you have a lie down.

What does f**k/shit/wank mean?’

As a parent, you’re going to be asked the definition of a never-ending list of swear words. But these days you no longer have to play the role of a foul-mouthed Susie Dent. Urban Dictionary will provide a wealth of information about any swear word your kids can think of, and it may even teach them a few new ones for acts that make you feel slightly nauseous. There’s nothing quite so rewarding as learning together!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Therese Coffey filmed smoking turnips

THERESE Coffey has been secretly filmed shredding and smoking turnips for what she claims is the ultimate British high.

The environment secretary and native root vegetable evangelist was recorded in her office shredding dried turnip into a pipe, lighting it, smoking it and confessing to being ‘absolutely off her f**king face’ on patriotism.

On the recording, Coffey said: “Tomatoes? Mere flavour. You’ll never look back once you’ve tasted the exultant high of the true white meat.

“I’ve been smoking a turnip a day since I was 18, so that’s proof of their health benefits. And they’re versatile. You can have them from a pipe, put them in a cigar for a ‘Norfolk Blunt’, or use a hollowed-out turnip as a bong. Now that f**ks you up.

“One time me and Truss stayed up all night on turnips which must have been cut with swede, and I was so out of my box I regressed to a past life as a worm farmer in 1300s Worcestershire. Greatest night of my bloody life.

“But not everyone can handle them. We couldn’t have the whole country chasing the neep all day or we’d get nothing done. Christ, there’s nothing left on this one. Pass that Swaffham Kush over, I’ll do us another bowl.”

A government spokesman said: “Yes, Therese Coffey smokes turnips. Yes, they frequently render her incapable of rational thought for days. What of it?”