YESTERDAY I set out Labour’s five missions for the future. Now I’m asking you to join me as we build a new Britain in which every bigot is fellated and no flag goes unshagged.
1. Blowjobs for all Northern racists
Text ‘Red Wall racist’ to Labour HQ and I will personally come round, with a cushion, to nosh you off. No more vague plans for ‘levelling up’ – I’m a leader who’s prepared to put my mouth where my mouth is. Will bukkake parties be allowed? Yes. It’s only fractionally more demeaning than my current pandering to f**kwits from Grimsby who talk in Sun headlines.
2. The death penalty in every home
The NHS will be sold at a knock-down price to property developers and the proceeds used to install a noose in every living room in the UK. You and your (hardworking) family will thus be able to carry out a traditional British hanging any night of the week, and not miss a second of Strictly!
And let me tell you this. The interfering nanny state won’t be telling you who you can and can’t hang. A nonce, next door’s cat, your mother-in-law, a Belgian, your neighbour with a more attractive wife than yours – go ahead and string the bastard up!
3. Brexit 2.0
For many Britons, telling immigrants and foreigners to f**k off was the greatest moment of their lives. So I pledge to hold a referendum for another bigger, better Brexit. I’ll be personally be overseeing Brexit 2.0, or ‘Megabrexit’ as it will colloquially be known, with the help of my trusted colleague Nigel Farage. Together we will build on the success of the existing Brexit and take the UK to new heights of poverty and isolation.
4. Corbyn to be hunted down like a dog
Although I served in his shadow cabinet, Jeremy Corbyn is evil. He’s so evil Labour party centrists still have to obsessively attack him years after he resigned without much fuss. If you don’t believe Corbyn was quite as bad as all that, I suggest you listen to trusted sources like The Sun, The Daily Mail and her off Countdown.
As prime minister my first act will be to order an RAF airstrike on Corbyn’s Islington terraced house, followed by an SAS raid to riddle his corpse with bullets, then the bulldozing and concreting over of his allotment. An excessive response to an old 80s Trot who wanted to give everyone free broadband? I believe not. With his rabid hatred of Jews, Jeremy is, quite literally, Hitler.
5. I will dress as a golliwog
Retired Home Counties fascists don’t like Labour, but they do like golliwogs. To win over this key electoral bloc, I vow to wear blackface at all times and dress like a golly from an out-of-print Enid Blyton book. It will send out a powerful message that I will fight tooth and claw against the forces of ‘woke’, and with luck my wife’s angry mutterings about divorce will turn out to be an empty threat.