GREETING someone can be an awkward affair, particularly if the process involves kissing. Here are six ways to f**k it up.
Choose the wrong location
Generally the cheek is the preferred place for a breezy hello kiss, but there are regional variations. For example, if greeting a French person, it’s both cheeks; a dry stone waller from Barnsley, neither. Planting a patronising smacker on the forehead will not impress a potential employer, and tender kisses up the neck will get you punched by anyone.
Be too over the top
You aren’t a 1930s theatre impressario meeting a new musical hall act, you’re an IT manager who has just bumped into a friend in Morrisons. There’s no need to air-kiss on both cheeks, loudly proclaiming ‘Mwah!’ each time. Well, you can if you want, but everyone else at the cheese counter will think you’re a twat.
Have a full mouth
Nobody wants to see a gob full of tuna melt panini heading their way, or the product of overactive salivary glands webbing the corners of a moist mouth, so make sure yours is clean and empty. And if you feel a burp arising from last night’s takeaway, turn away and excuse yourself, rather than offending someone with a hideous kebab kiss.
Say something stupid
If committing to a kiss never say something like ‘Brace yourself’ or ‘No tongues!’. And post-kiss you should not make comments about make-up application expertise or lack thereof, hair grooming or body odour. In fact, don’t say anything at all, as it will just made an already awkward situation worse.
Pull out at the last second
An effective way to cause offence would be to engage in a kiss and then pull out, wearing a scowl. Suggesting the person you’re greeting is in some way not worthy of your kiss would be worse than getting the kiss wrong. Be classy and see it through, even if their beard hasn’t been washed for months and there’s a spider living in it.