THE only reason kindly, good-mannered people are quite so pleasant is because they secretly participate in daring, filthy sex acts. These are their shocking exploits:
Erotic clowning
He keeps it quiet, but your sweet, elderly colleague Paul? Loves to dress up in full red-nosed, multi-coloured clown gear and blow balloons into phallic shapes before shooting juggling balls out of his orifices. The custard pie in the face is exactly what you think. Remember that when he asks how your weekend was.
BDSM&S
Little do you know, your kindly local greengrocer and his wife play out a regular fantasy where she leads him around his local M&S in a gimp suit and black leather leash. Doing his weekly charcuterie order through an over-tightened ball gag keeps things spicier than dry-cured chorizo.
Papercutting
Not content with the usual flogging and whipping, your cheery best mate from school who’s so friendly at five-a-side regularly participates in a very kinky act involving genitalia and the sharp edge of 300gsm white paper. Goes through a ream a week. Won’t be tackling him now, will you?
Hardcore foraging
Your mum’s boring friend Susan? She got a little too into ‘wild living’ during lockdown and now regularly searches the Wiltshire countryside for fungi shaped like a big throbbing cock and balls. Then she takes it home and, well, she has a dedicated audience on OnlyFans, put it that way.
Helium ballooning
That nice woman who walks her Labradoodle past your house and always says ‘Hello’? You wouldn’t want to hear what she says at home, while she forces her husband to inhale helium from party balloons while he takes a bloody hard rogering from behind with a strap-on. No, you wouldn’t want to hear that at all.
Ragamuffining
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the thing that your parents are into is so filthy that it can’t be printed here. All we can say is that there’s a reason they were smiling so much in that picture they sent you from their holiday in Devon. The 87-year-old in the cottage next door sold it and moved to Middlesbrough, out of sheer shame.
