DID you hit the pub hard last night, safe in the knowledge you have today off? Do Recovery Monday in traditional style:
Rise late
Ideally after midday. This isn’t Christmas, there’s no reward for waking up early. The only thing waiting for you is a cold half-eaten pizza on the kitchen table and a toilet full of vomit you don’t remember producing. And the telly’s on, and the front door’s half-open.
Decorate your home
Transform your flat with Recovery Monday decorations: sprinkle the contents of your ashtray and stash box across the sofa, place two slices of cold, burnt toast in the toaster, and erect a towering pile of washing-up in the kitchen sink. The true celebrant will have already done it last night.
Remember times past
At New Year, we join hands and think of auld acquaintance. On birthdays, we gather those close to us to recall the happy times of the past. On this holiday, we go through our phones, searching text records, social media accounts and Amazon purchases to try to remember what the f**king hell we did last night.
Prepare a festive meal
Easter has eggs, Halloween has Haribo, and Recovery Monday also has a ritual feast. Beginning with paracetamol, Lucozade and a bag of onion rings from the nearest corner shop, by mid-afternoon it’s time to whip up a feast big enough for a whole family, courtesy of Deliveroo and your local takeaway, then to eat it alone in front of Spartacus on ITV4.
Do f**k all
Lying on the sofa mindlessly scrolling on your phone while half-watching telly is a sacred recovery Monday activity. Doing productive stuff like filing your tax return or going for a run is heresy and is punishable by disapproval from your friends. Three-hour trips to the bathroom are allowed and in most cases unavoidable.
Succumb to dread
As your hangover recedes your guilt will rise. You’ve wasted this precious day off. You could have read a book, started learning an instrument or applied for a better job. Too late now. Lie back and let the crushing futility of life wash over you. Everything will return to awful normality by tomorrow.
